


Broken Wheels

by Lynds



Series: Breaking the Cycle [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avenger Loki, BAMF Loki, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Multiple Avengers, Multiple Lokis, Multiple Universes Colliding, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Poor Loki, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sassy Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-09-25 16:31:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9829598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynds/pseuds/Lynds
Summary: Five years after avoiding Ragnarok, Loki is living happily with his family and the Avengers when he finds himself hurled into an alternative reality where his friends seem to think he's leading an attack on Earth. How will he find his way home? And if he and this other, dangerous Loki have exchanged places, is his family safe?





	1. Prologue - Come and Take Your Shape Out in the Stars

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Lonely Way Back Home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1041349) by [Coneycat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coneycat/pseuds/Coneycat). 



> This fic is heavily inspired by ConeyCat's wonderful Lonely Way Back Home - please read her whole Housemates!Loki series, it's awesome!
> 
> The chapter title is from Kings of Leon - Find Me

Odin’s footsteps echoed through the vast halls of Gladsheim as he walked to his private chambers. The hour was late enough that little sound rose from the city below, and even the guards, while alert, seemed shrouded in whispers.

His office was bathed in silver moonlight, the single large window overlooking the very edge of Asgard, the sheer and flawless walls dropping to an endless fall into the abyss. There was no line of sight into the room from anywhere on the realm, and even Heimdall’s all-seeing gaze skated over those within. The Allfather rested his hand on the windowsill and gazed out at the swirling nebula, its colours ever changing and bathing their land in a peaceful beauty. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, imagining that peace could be taken in through his lungs and ease his broken heart.

“Guilty conscience, Grandpa?”

Odin turned and sighed. A young girl, thin as a spear, lounged on his chair. He recognised her clothes as a Midgardian style common to youths in wealthier parts. Tight black cotton trousers, loose black shirt with a faded declaration that the wearer was an ‘American Idiot’, though why one would choose to advertise that fact would never be clear to him. Her once-white shoes rested on the most recent missive from the Vanir ambassador. 

“Hela,” he grumbled. “I would appreciate it if you did not use my desk as a footstool.”

She waved the filthy shoes at him, and a clod of dirt dropped onto the parchment. Odin resisted the urge to roll his eye. Hela had always been her father’s daughter, whether Loki knew it or not. “Do you at least bring news?”

“Can a girl not just wish to visit her beloved Granddaddy? Or is it blood-uncle? It’s so easy to forget these things when you’re dead.”

Odin pinched the bridge of his nose, petitioning the Norns for strength. “By all means, Hela dear. Only keep in mind that I reserve the right to question your career choices and ask when you plan to settle down with a nice departed soul and start a ghostly family.”

Hela glared daggers at him, her long black hair obscuring one side of her face. 

“No? Well, then perhaps you could tell me if you have found a suitable candidate. Time grows short. With every passing moment Loki grows further from us.”

He could see her struggling with her impulses a moment more. Torment her murderer, or try to save her father.

“I have found one,” she said sullenly. With a flick of her skeletal fingers, her purple seidr flared over the desk and images fluttered of another Yggdrasil, another Asgard. Another Loki.

Odin sat on the chair normally reserved for visitors, and Held finally removed her feet from the desk.

“Are you sure this one is not too different? I have not seen such happiness on Loki’s face in a long time.”

Hela nodded. “His history is similar to ours. There are two major divergences.” She counted off on her fingers. “One, he discovered his Jotnar skin before Thor’s coronation, and had support in dealing with it.” She glared at him. “Convenient Odinsleep notwithstanding.”

Odin sighed and rubbed his eyes. “And the second?”

“You could say it was the first. His Odin did not have the Time Gem, and only tied the spell to Asgard. It could affect the other realms, but not the fulcrum, Midgard, and was easily broken. Odin lost his mind as his control slipped. He was even more of a bastard than you, and that’s saying something.”

Odin’s eyebrows raised, and he leaned forwards to gaze at the images before him. He snorted as he saw his own actions of a thousand years ago and a reality away. “Careless,” he growled. “One might wonder why he bothered.”

“Arrogance,” she glared. “Though I would point out that in his universe, Ragnarok has been averted. The Norns weave fate with new threads. His Odin has died, somewhat in peace, which is more than either of you deserve, and his soul awaits rebirth. 

Odin stared at her, then at the flickering images. For there to be a universe where Odin’s death was not followed by Ragnarok and the start of a new cycle…it was…humbling. And not a sensation he particularly enjoyed. Just watching a whole universe continue without him for years, it was almost enough for him to banish the images, demand Hela find another option. One in which Odin Allfather was still pivotal to the continuation of life on the Nine Realms.

Then he saw Loki’s face, a long black braid whipping around as he danced with his faithful Sigyn and a small boy. The pure delight on his face, unhidden by cold blank masks, made his heart ache for the little boy, the young man who had been lost to them in bitterness. It had been five years since his own son had slipped from his grasp. Five years was all it had taken for a reborn goddess and a bunch of mortals to put that smile on the other Loki’s face. Had he ever seen such a look on his own Loki’s face? Could it really have taken so little? Music and gentleness had tamed his chaos as discipline and punishment only boxed it until it exploded under the pressure. And the Loki in that universe had suffered more punishment than ever his own son had. Would it have helped if he had been harder on Loki? Should he have had him beaten as the mad Odin had done, instead of dismissing him in disappointment and simply withholding his attention? Perhaps he had spoiled the boy.

Then he remembered the grief and despair of his son when he fell, and the realisation that he may have gone too far. His son had suffered in the last five years, all of that other Loki’s Aesir punishments effectively contracted into half a decade of pain and torment in that realm outside the Nine, where Odin could catch glimpses of his son being torn apart, but could not reach to bring him home. And it was time to bring him home and fix it, put their family back to how they were before.

“Do it,” he whispered to Hela.

She nodded, and the images blinked out, leaving him bereft.


	2. If I Knew What You Were Thinking I Could Stop This Boat From Sinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki Walker has a very bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on the chapters will all be from one of the Lokis' points of view, I'm thinking most people will be able to figure out WHICH Loki's 'thinking', but would people prefer I make it clear in the chapter titles?

Loki’s _seidr_ twirled around him in a spiky, jangling beat, and he spun through the corridor, twanging on his air guitar.

_she wants to dance like uma thurman bury me til i confess_

“Someone’s been watching Quentin Tarantino movies,” yelled Tony.

Loki spun again, hands in the air, and flicked his sunglasses onto his head. “Pulp Fiction is monthly required viewing, and anyone who disagrees is wrong.”

“Oh, I won't deny that,” said Tony, holding a cup of coffee out for him. Loki nodded to Steve and Nat and sat at the kitchen counter, scraping his long black hair back into a French braid. 

Natasha took the hair tie out of his mouth and took over. “I’m next, OK?” He hummed and sipped his coffee, enjoying the feeling of her fingers separating strands of his hair.

“Where are Darcy and Ben?” Steve asked.

“They took Byleistr and Vidarr to the lake,” he said, turning to start splitting Natasha’s auburn mane into five, twisting them in a complex plait. “Benjamin loves having his cousin around. He’s spent the whole week in his Jotun skin.”

“He’s so cute when he’s blue,” Steve smiled.

“Yeah, just keep his little blue butt off my leather sofa,” grunted Tony.

“You should keep Benjamin away from that sofa whatever skin he’s in. He’s a five-year old. They embody chaos better than I.”

“Yes, they do.”

“Oh, hey, I have news,” said Steve. “Jane and I have set a date. May sixteenth, next year. I hope you guys can all make it?”

“Of course, Steve,” Loki smiled. “Jane has already started dress shopping with Darcy. I do not think it’s going to be a quick process.”

“How’s Bucky dealing with it?” Natasha asked, her sharp eyes watching every micro-expression. Trust Nat to turn everything into a psychological interrogation.

The voice came from behind them. “ _Bucky_ is looking forward to best man duties,” said Bucky, narrowing his eyes at Natasha slightly as he swaggered in.

Natasha blew him a kiss. “Had to keep an eye on team harmony.”

“What you mean is you couldn’t resist a bit of shit-stirring, Natalia.”

“Potayto-potahto,” she shrugged.

“No matter what else we’ve been, Steve and I will always be best friends,” said Bucky, quirking a half-smile at the Captain.

Loki smiled to see the two of them so at peace with each other. They’d had a difficult few years, Steve in particular had been heartbroken when Bucky left him. Loki hadn’t been able to understand it, until Steve and Jane had finally stopped dancing around each other and fell in love. The difference in Steve had been painfully obvious. There was no frantic saviour vibe, no desperate scramble to make things better, to make his lover well again. With Jane he could just relax into loving her just as she was, with his whole giant heart.

It took him a moment to realise something was wrong. Tony was talking to Bucky, but he only heard fragments of conversation. Splinters of _something else_ were snarled up in his perception.

_Kneel!_

_crave subjugation_

_freedom_

_men like you_

“Lokes? You…”

_Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example._

Loki could feel his eyes straining as they rolled back in his head. Something was horribly wrong. A deep purple haze engulfed him and he felt his body hurled across the room, across all of time and space, to land on his back.

He groaned. There was a cold wind, and the room was dark. An attack! The windows must have been blown out. He leaped up, looking around frantically for the others, but this was all wrong. They were nowhere to be seen, and there was no sign of the mansion at all. He stood in front of a museum or a concert hall, and in front of him knelt a crowd of terrified civilians.

“You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing."

“Steve,” Loki turned. “Did you get caught up in this mess too?” He frowned. “How did you get into your uniform so fast?”

“What?”

“Never mind.” Loki shifted into his armour and cast a green shield dome over the people, who whimpered and crowded closer together. “What’s the situation, Captain?”

“You’re the situation,” he said, his forehead visibly crinkling under the cowl. “You’re under arrest.”

Loki whirled around to stare at him, open mouthed. “What? Steve, something is wrong here, this is no time for pranks. And that’s coming from me.” He tried to make light of it, but cold fear was pooling in his gut. Steve was too guileless for tricks, and the people in his forcefield were clearly terrified.

The whirring scream of the quinjet made him look up, straight into the barrel of a machine gun. “Loki, stand down.” Natasha’s voice was cold, amplified over the loudspeaker. He raised his hands and shifted back into his skinny jeans and Hendrix t-shirt, eyes darting around warily. 

Tony arrived, Black Sabbath blaring. When he landed, he looked disappointed with the anticlimax. Loki was made to kneel with his hands behind his head, as he had demanded of many villains himself. His mind whirred with theories a mile a minute, but there was just not enough data.

“Hey, Reindeer Games. Release the hostages.” Tony clanked over to him, a sneer on his face.

“The hostages?” Tony glanced at the people cowering beneath the green dome. “It’s a shield, for protection,” he explained, and dismissed it with a flick of his hand.

Instantly a rocket launcher appeared at Tony’s shoulder. “Freeze! Do you think I’m an idiot?”

Loki closed his eyes. “Of course not, Tony. But right now, I don't know what to think. I’ve been an Avenger for five years now, and the fact that you three don’t recognise me is…there is something very wrong happening here.”

“What, apart from you ripping some old guy’s eyeball out and threatening a concentration camp survivor? Oh, and that’s just in the last half an hour. Yeah, I’ll say something’s very wrong.”

Loki stared at Tony, his mouth hanging open. “I…this…that is impossible. I was just talking to you in the kitchen - Natasha was doing my _hair_ for Norns’ sake! For the past hour, before arriving here, I was discussing Steve’s wedding and having a meeting with Hoenir about the most recent mission, so you will excuse me if I do not believe your allegations.” Sparks of magic flared at his fingertips, and he stood in one fluid motion, hands fisted at his sides. Steve and Natasha noticed and raced over to join Tony. “Just…look,” he huffed, reaching for the phone in his pocket.

Looking back he was surprised Natasha aimed at his shoulder. He jerked back with the impact of the bullet, then turned his favourite Steve Rogers style ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed’ glare at her. Tony swore under his breath as he pulled the crumpled bullet out of the shallow wound which was already closing up. He dropped it with a tinkle and waved his mobile at her sarcastically. “I know it was made by Tony Stark, but it has hardly been weaponised.”

“Where the hell did you get that?” Tony snapped. “They haven’t even been released yet.”

“I know,” he replied, and held it out so they could see the photo on screen. “I live with you. We ware beta testing them for you.”

“We?”

“The Avengers. And…my family.”

He paused on a selfie of Benjamin, Darcy and himself and closed his eyes against the rising panic.

Tony whipped the phone out of his hands, his gauntlets retracting, and flipped through photo after photo. “I don’t understand. It’s all of us…and some people I don’t even know. And that’s my mansion upstate, but the decor’s all different.” He looked back up at Loki. “What the hell’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “But I assure you, whoever did those things you accuse me of, it was not me. I just want my family back.” He took the phone back and found his favourite video of Benjamin and Darcy. “Do you know them? I need to know they are safe.”

They all shook their heads. Steve was even starting to look sympathetic. Natasha still glared daggers at him. 

Steve suddenly jolted and grabbed the phone. He looked up at Loki with a feverish glow in his eyes. “Who is this?” he demanded.

“It’s Bucky…” he was confused. What was going on? There was a Steve, Tony, Natasha, and whether this was some strange spell or collective memory loss, or altered reality, surely wherever there was a Steve, there must be a Bucky. But Steve was vibrating with fury and grief.

“What the hell are you playing at? Do you think this is _funny?_ ”

“It’s a trick,” Natasha said. “He’s playing us, showing us pictures he thinks will make us sympathetic to him.”

“No! No, that is not—“

“Who do you think you are? You find out people’s pasts and mess with their minds so we’re too distracted—“

“Enough!” Loki roared. “I do not know what is going on, but it is clear I will get no answers here. All I want is to make sure my wife and son are safe.” He glared at them one last time, then reached for the folds of Yggdrasil and slipped onto her branches.

The wrongness hit him like Mjolnir and he staggered so he was clutching the ash tree with both hands. Her bark crumbled under his fingers, the smell of blood flooding his senses. He looked around him, horror filling his chest.

The eerie light characteristic of the place behind reality was stained a deep red, casting a gloom over the branches. The once silver tree was rusted like an old iron ship, flakes crumbling off as he moved and skittering as they fell into the void.

And there was something else out there, a presence looming between the branches, searching with ill-concealed insanity and rage, and were those laughs or were they screams?

Loki felt an echo of horror in his bones, tearing through his flesh, hints of a memory of excruciating pain, so terrible that even the suggestions of it tore a scream from his throat. With trembling fingers he pulled himself back through the veil, falling to his hands and knees, retching. His body shook violently, and he did not resist as Tony and Steve shackled his wrists and dragged him into the quinjet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from What You're Thinking by Passenger, and Loki's listening to Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy at the start.


	3. I Pray for the Ground to Swallow me Whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet the other Loki, who isn't taking this whole situation quite as well as VC!Loki...

“There are no men like me.”

“There are always men like you.”

Loki sliced a grin across his face, his vision splintered blue, the monsters crawling behind his eyelids every time he blinked. Flickering plans and escape routes and PLEASE and cold fury HOW DARE HE _do not let me, stop me no_ COLLATERAL DAMAGE _I must be_ SEEN _shhh keep it deep keep it buried hide hide_ PUT ON A SHOW.

But this time a deep purple was spreading, and sounds, voices, he was sure came from _outside_.

_having a fit_

_Get him on the floor_

_Lokes, you OK? Can you—_

Loki dragged his will to knifepoint and raised his sceptre. “Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example.”

His body hurled backwards across the stairs, hitting a wall. He leaped to his feet, banishing the nausea and disorientation. But this was all wrong. He was no longer at the gala, but in a modern building, faced by three men and a woman.

“What is the meaning of this?” he snarled, pointing the sceptre at the most vulnerable, the black haired man with the trimmed beard.

“Hey, Lokes, calm down,” the man raised his hands. “You’re OK, it’s us. Your friends.”

He narrowed his eyes. There had been no lie. The others all stood with hands held out towards him, as was right for frightened mortals, but with the fear was… _concern_. They seemed afraid _for_ him, not of him. 

He gaped. “Why now?”

“What?”

Loki spread his arms and glared around him, the disorientation changing into anger and fear. “I am doing what you ask of me. How can I possibly take Midgard if you insist on…on _testing_ me?”

“Uh, Loki, who’re you talking to? You’re not making any sense?”

Loki’s eyes snapped to the overly muscled blonde, and his lips curled. “You are wasting your time. Do you not think the last five years of your _persuasion_ has ensured my loyalty? Why must you test my reactions to these heroes of Midgard?” Fury and hysteria boiled in his brain and he could hear the panic _what if I fail what if I fail what if I succeed what if I do not die in the attempt_. 

He allowed some of the boiling energy out in a dry laugh as he stalked between the furniture. “While you toy with me in yet more illusions,” he shot a beam of energy from the sceptre into the window, which shattered but left the view outside undamaged. Interesting. “What are the mortals learning from my unattended body? You have my loyalty, oh master,” he sneered into the mind stone. “But a tool is only useful if it is _used_.” He grinned his maddest at the woman he recognised as Romanoff from Barton’s intel. “The clue is in the description.”

“Tony, what’s going on here?” A tall woman in sleek grey walked through the door and stopped when she saw the carnage.

“Ms Potts, is it? The Man of Iron’s consort? Is it absolutely necessary to bring everyone into this little test? I do not even _know_ this one.” He gestured at the killer standing almost in his blind spot. The Hawk had briefed him well on all those in the Avengers initiative, but this man had been in none of the files. Loki would have remembered him.

“Loki,” the tall woman’s voice was low and cold, and he turned to her in surprise. She was something _more_. “Where did you get that?”

He looked at the sceptre, head on one side. “This? This was a…gift. And _very_ appreciated it is too.”

“Put it down.”

“I think not.” He raised it to point straight at her. Enough of this. If Thanos would not release him without a fight, so be it.

The Potts woman raised her hand as he fired, and deep purple strands of _seidr_ clawed at him, pouring into the sceptre and ripping it apart, atomising it. The stone flew across the room and into her hands and—

And _he_ was gone. The blue cracks across his vision, his perception, they were torn away and Loki fell to his knees. He could not remember how to breathe, he had done so only under Thanos’ sufferance for so long. He took hold of the muscles in his chest and hauled, sucking air into his lungs, and with it came the panic of all his plans crumbling. 

“What have you done?” he gasped, pushing himself up. The link had gone, no trace of it left, and it felt so beautiful he thought he might burn. 

But if he was not Thanos’ envoy, he would send another when Selvig opened the portal, and that other would succeed where he had planned to shine as a beacon, calling attention to himself and the plan so they were prepared for the Chitauri, and then for Thanos. 

And hopefully have the mercy to kill him too.

But if Thanos was not linked to him, then this…whatever _this_ was, it was no illusion. There was still time to achieve all these ends. He looked between the mage (and had she not hidden that well, for SHIELD to have no suspicions?), the Widow and the unknown with death in his left hand. If he angered them enough, if he told them the plan in such a way that they would _hate_ him, he would save Frigga and they would kill him - he was weakened now, it was the best time.

“The Titan will come for you, whether it is through me or another.” He chose the killer, stalked towards him with as much threat in every step as he could. “His army will pour from the sky above your towering strength, a swarm of bees for their queen.”

The door slammed open and he turned with a snarl. If they kept interrupting how could he—

“Daddy!”

“What’s going on up here, we saw the window explode all the way from the freaking lake.”

“Daddy, are you OK?”

Loki felt his knees threaten to drop him. The child ran towards him _please no_ and the blonde soldier grabbed him. This could not—

“Ben, Daddy’s not feeling—“

The boy _teleported_ to Loki, wrapping his arms around him, and this time his knees did fail him and he fell to the child’s eye level.

“You look sick, Daddy.” Little hands pressed on sweaty skin under the helmet, and his tiny nose scrunched up. “Mummy, Daddy’s not well.”

The brown haired woman looked at him without any hatred or disgust and _how was this possible_ , it was…he looked at the little boy again, tried to see where he could have come from, but neither he nor the woman were familiar and for an instant he _wished_ …but that was cruel. He would not inflict himself on anyone, least of all…

The child wrapped his arms around his neck, soft and bird-fragile, and Loki shattered into shape edges and danger that this child and the kind-faced woman should _not touch_

and there behind her came monsters. And Loki understood. This was his punishment. The Other had threatened something worse than pain, and somehow he had done it, for behind the brown haired woman loomed his hated, shameful past. He was to watch the Jotnar tear what he could once have dreamed of into flakes of ice. He struggled to his feet, pressing the child behind him, and willed his legs to obey. Take him forwards! Destroy the monsters, then destroy the monster in his own skin but he could not _move_ could not _breathe_ could not do _anything_ right, not when it truly mattered. The colours were blurring, his breaths were failing, and he was falling again into the black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song lyrics in the chapter title are from Snakes by Bastille.


	4. But if you Close your Eyes Does it Almost Feel Like Nothing Changed at All?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki Walker meets Thor from this universe

Loki stared at his hands fisted on his knees and schooled his breathing. The hum of the quinjet was familiar, and if he tried, he could hear Tony and Steve’s voices without their alien words.

What did he know? Tony, Steve and Natasha were all here, but they were not the Avengers. It wasn't just that they weren't _his_ Avengers, they didn’t seem to know each other at all. And there was no Bucky. So many similarities, but such profound differences.

And then of course, there was Yggdrasil. Just the thought of the atrocity that was her branches made him feel ill. Such a change could not have been created with a spell, even if he could be convinced the changes to his friends were imposed on them.

Another universe, then. A different reality. He remember the purple _seidr_ just before his arrival in Stuttgart. But did this mean another Loki had taken his place? And judging from his reception, that would not be ideal. He leaned forwards to rest his head on his hands. The Loki in this universe was obviously dangerous, and he was in his home, near his family…

But what if _this_ world's Loki had a Darcy and a Benjamin? What if they were in danger here? If this Loki was truly insane, as these not-Avengers seemed to think, then Darcy and Benjamin deserved protection…and if there was something deeper happening, Darcy would be the one to understand the Loki of this universe, and hopefully find a way to exchange their places.

Then lightning flashed from an otherwise clear sky, and Loki looked up. This could go really well, or really poorly.

“What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?”

“It depends,” he muttered, and Thor tore a hole in the side of the jet and threw him out of it.

Loki manipulated the air particles to carry him gently to the mountainside and snapped the cuffs. He turned to face Thor, and was hurled up against a rock.

Poorly it is then, he thought.

“Where is the Tesseract?”

“What?”

“Do I look to be in a gaming mood?”

Loki pushed Thor off, dusting his clothes down. “Thor, whatever you think I have done, or know, I can assure you I am more in the dark about it than you. Which is almost certainly a first.”

Thor dropped Mjolnir and grabbed the front of his shirt. “I thought you dead.”

“What? Why? What ha—look, Thor, it is really complicated and probably involves body swaps and alternate realities, but I don’t suppose there’s any chance you’ll tell me what the hell is going on here?”

“You give up the Tesseract, Loki. You give up this poisonous dream. Come home.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Of course. Home. Thor, if you would _listen_ for _once_ in your life, all I am trying to do is _get home_ to Darcy and—“

Thor’s fist was around his throat and Mjolnir flew to his upraised hand. “What do you know of Darcy? If you have touched her, or…or gone _near_ my Jane I will—“

“ _Your_ Jane?" he choked, anger making him stupid. "Why the hell would she be yours, she is engaged to Steve! You are to marry Sif, for Norns’ sake! Surely no universe could be _that_ different.”

Thor’s growl reminded Loki that he really out to develop a sense of self-preservation greater than his will to prove Thor an idiot. It was just so easy…

It was Tony who saved him. Loki was not sure if it was intentional or just revenge for the quinjet, but he flew into Thor and the two landed halfway down the mountain. Loki set off after them at a run. This was how people usually got around? Norns, it was overrated.

By the time he reached them (breathing deeply, _not_ panting, if you please), Steve had joined the fight. He saw what was coming just soon enough to brace himself for the shockwave of Mjolnir hitting the vibranium shield, and was still launched backwards with the tree trunks. He lay on his back, blinking up at the sky. He hadn’t realised just how gentle Thor had been back at home when they had done it as an experiment. Thor in this universe must be just as much of a Berserker in battle as his own brother.

Loki struggled to his feet and rolled his eyes as a great meaty fist clutched the scruff of his shirt and hauled him the rest of the way, then clamped around his bicep to drag him towards the quinjet that landed in the new clearing. Loki tugged on his t-shirt, noticing with irritation that the neck was misshapen. His favourite t-shirt! He shifted into his armour as soon as Thor’s grip loosened.

“What is this, Brother?” Thor growled, gesturing to the black fabric of his duster.

“It’s artificial leather. Tony designed it so Skaadi doesn’t keep burning our clothes.”

“I did what?” Tony snapped, turning around.

Loki sighed and sat down. “I believe I’ve exchanged places with the Loki from this universe. Where I am from, I have been part of the Avengers for over five years.”

Tony snorted. “Yeah, sure, pull the other one, it’s got bells on it.”

Loki shrugged. “I’m not surprised you don’t believe me, but it is the only explanation I can think of.” He gestured to his armour. “In my universe you designed this material to prevent Skaadi in particular from destroying our clothes. Benjamin and I can control our skin.”

“What do you mean, your skin?”

Loki switched to his Jotun skin. Tony jerked backwards, but Thor’s response was more dramatic. He dropped Mjolnir and staggered back into the seat opposite Loki. 

“Thor?” Loki shifted back to Aesir, concern furrowing his brow. “Is not your Loki Jotun?”

“He…you are but…but the realisation destroyed you! This is what drove you to your madness, Loki, how is it you simply accept it now after what you did?”

“What…what I did?”

“You turned the Bifrost on Jotunheim, you wanted to kill them all…”

Loki could hear no more through the buzzing in his ears. Horror welled up in his body, spreading through his veins. His first though was that it could not be, he would never…

But when he remembered his own discovery of the fact, he realised that the person he had been then - afraid, secretive, incapable of pleasing anyone - that he _could_ have done so. Had he not run to Midgard, had he not met Darcy and Jane, he knew he could have lost his mind. And had Darcy not fallen pregnant with Benjamin, he may never have returned to Jotunheim.

Byleistr. Gridr…oh Norns, little Vidarr…someone was shoving a paper bag into his hands and he curled over, vomiting, purging the thought, the possibility that he could have destroyed another realm. Utgard, restored by the casket, sparkling in the sun, the singing Iron Woods, the wild North Sea, all gone. His friends and family broken. Skaadi, the newest Avenger, never to see Midgard and follow him for hours demanding answers to a thousand questions. He tried to force all of it from himself, but his stomach was empty and this world was still here and still evil, still so wrong. His limbs shuddered and he curled his legs up to his chest, barely noticing that his skin had turned blue and his tears white as he mourned for his land and people, and for his own illusions of himself. For he had believed he would protect them, that he would be unable to not care for Jotunheim, but it seemed he was all too capable of lashing out before he understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I'm sorry, did you think Loki in this universe would be _less_ angsty? 
> 
> Title is from Pompeii by Bastille. I was originally going to use Get Home from the same album but it was way too obvious ;)


	5. Won't you Take me Away from Here so I'll Never Find my Way Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes up to find that people actually care for his alternative self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll probably be obvious soon, but this is from the point of view of Movie Loki, in the VC universe!

The world was muted and soft edged. Loki had forgotten what it was to not be made of shards of broken soul and bone. He could hear words and an incessant beeping, but in his detachment could not interact with any of it.

“It’s best if he sleeps a while longer,” said a man’s voice. “He’s in worse shape than when he…well, when our Loki went up against that lava seal and SHIELD on the same night.”

“Oh God.” The woman’s voice was dense with tears. “Will he be OK?”

The man sighed. “Yeah, physically he’s healing almost as fast as Loki. I mean our Loki. Damn, this is confusing. But psychologically…Darcy, Cokes doesn’t have a scar on him, does he? Well, this guy, under that armour, his skin was just a network of scar tissue. It’s fine and well formed but it’s _everywhere_. Some of it’s pretty old as well, if he was human I’d say he got them all a couple of decades ago, but…oh, Darce, I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you…”

Loki wondered at the compassion in their tone, but it was idle curiosity, and the darkness took him again anyway.

***

The next time he woke, it was to fully return to his body. Before he allowed his eyes to open he stretched out his other senses.

He was in a plain room, surrounded by electronic equipment, and on a chair beside him sat the killer.

Loki opened his eyes. The man sat with his boots resting on the frame of Loki’s bed, pushing his chair backwards so it balanced on two legs, his metal fingers tapping a rhythm.

“How you feelin?” he asked, turning his deep blue eyes on Loki.

Loki glared at him. “What does it matter, when you plan to turn me over to the Jotnar?” He did not care, really. The Jotnar were liable to kill him quicker than Thanos. Even if they took years over it, their presence was sure to lead to death, unlike on that skull encrusted rock drifting outside the realms.

The man narrowed his eyes. “Man, you guys go back and forth between here and Jotunheim all the time.” He frowned. “You don’t remember? Or is it different for you?”

“Remember what?” he sneered, hiding his ignorance behind distaste.

“Me. Being an Avenger.” He tilted his head to one side, peeling his mask back to peer beneath Loki’s. “Your family.”

“I have no family.”

The man nodded slowly. There was the beginning of understanding there but no pity, and for that Loki felt the first stirring of gratitude in years. 

The door slid open and every muscle in Loki’s body tingled with attention. He may be a prisoner, but they had made the mistake of allowing him rest, and he would be ready for the first opportunity. He stole a glance at the man, now rising to greet the newcomers. If he were to fail, this one would not hesitate to kill him. He would have to make sure he was there at the attempt.

The woman who had destroyed the sceptre stood by his bed, with a smaller, balding man.

“Loki? My name’s Hoenir, or Agent Phil Coulson.”

“I know who you are,” he spat. “Your precious Hawk has been very forthcoming, Agent of SHIELD.”

Coulson raised his eyebrows. “So you know Clint. Or his counterpart in your universe anyway.”

“Really?” The killer asked. “Alternative universe? Hell, living with you guys is like being in a sci-fi novel.”

The woman smiled at him, then turned to Loki. “I’m Hela, though you seem to know me as Pepper Potts. You’ve met Bucky Barnes,” she gestured to the metal-armed man, who waved. “Hoenir and I have been looking into your energy signature and scrying around the shards of that sceptre.” She curled her lip up at the reminder of Thanos’ gift. “Somehow you’ve exchanged places with the Loki in our universe.”

Loki frowned. “How is that possible?”

“It’s certainly not easy,” Potts said. “But it’ll be easier to open the portal a second time, using your _seidr_ to trace your origins.”

“Ah, I see.” He looked at the ceiling. “I am to be kept here until you can exchange me for your tame Loki.”

“You’re not a prisoner here, Loki.” Coulson gestured at the door. “You’re not locked in.”

“Indeed? Then my guard is but decoration?”

Barnes grinned and flicked his metal fingers one by one. “Well, I am pretty shiny. But we’ve been taking turns sitting with you so you don’t wake alone.”

Potts frowned, her head on ones die. “We’ve been assuming you’d want to return home. Is that not the case?”

“I have no home.”

She opened her mouth, then closed it again. He turned away so as not to see the deep sadness in her eyes. How _dare_ she pity him?

Barnes laughed, short and sharp. “So you’re going to stay here? We’ll have two Lokis?” He shook his head. “Man, double the chaos, double the fun.”

Loki glared at him. “What makes you think I would want to stay here with your pitiful band?”

“You can do what you like, Loki,” Potts eyes flashed. “It’s not like having you both in the same universe would cause a paradox or anything. We just ask that you stick around long enough for us to open the portal.”

“Yeah,” Barnes sniggered. “Everyone knows that’s time travel.”

Loki pushed himself up. “You cannot ask that of me. If I set foot in that universe he will find me. I will be taken again - I shall have my freedom or death —“

“OK, calm down.” Potts put her hand on his shoulders and sighed. “Hoenir and I…we may have a way of destroying Thanos in your universe. We fought him in this one, hundreds of years ago.” Loki frowned at that. Surely mortals could not possibly live so long. “You may not be _my_ Loki, but I suppose even the one we consider ours is not really _mine_. I would not have any who bear my father’s name harmed.”

“Your…”

Potts smiled sadly. “I am Hela, daughter of Loki and Angrboda. Unlike my parents, I survived the last Ragnarok. Hoenir too. I don’t know how long ago your universe diverged from ours, but I can see you have met none of us.”

“I…I have no children. The Lady Hela rules Helheim, she is a spirit being…you lie.” He tried to sharpen his tongue, hide the fact that he was hanging over an abyss again.

“Did Odin take you from Jotunheim as a child?” Loki bared his teeth and hissed. She nodded. “He’s done the same in that universe then,” she said to Coulson.

“Maybe with some changes, though,” he replied. “If Hela in his universe is a spirit, she might have been trapped in the spell too.”

Loki shook his head. “You talk in riddles.”

“It’s an Aesir thing,” said Barnes.

“It is all beside the point, for I will not go near Thanos again. If this universe is without him I shall stay, but I intend to be far away from here before that portal opens.”  
 “Loki, please,” Potts begged. “We can use the mind stone, but it’s inanimate. If you allow us just to trace your magic…you will not even need to pass through, just stay as long as we need it open, but it’ll be ten times faster. Please?”

He was already walking down the corridor before she had realised he could not have cared less bout her precious soft Loki. He would find some food, then leave. Perhaps one day he would be able to attempt his sky walking again, if Thanos was truly purged from this universe.

As he approached the common room some form of music, strings and a plaintive man’s voice, and he cloaked himself, a weak, easy spell, to collect supplies unobstructed. 

The musician was nowhere to be seen, but the child - Loki’s child - was curled up in an armchair, sniffling. Loki froze. He told himself he didn’t care, and turned to the kitchen area, shoulders hunched.

_my father told me it’s not his fault he doesn’t know your face_

Loki paused as the boy gulped a sob. Rolling his eyes he let his invisibility fade. Even that small magic had made his body ache, and he controlled his breathing so he didn’t sound like he’d run for hours. “Why are you crying, boy?”

The child jumped and sat up, wiping his eyes. When he saw Loki he glared at him. “You took my Daddy.”

“I did not,” he said, opening cupboard doors. “Coming here was not my intention.”

The little boy sagged against the back of the chair. “Will he ever come back?”

“I am sure the rest of your…group will find him.”

The boy was quiet for a moment, and Loki ignored him in favour of spreading butter on bread.

“Who hurt you?”

It was little more than a whisper, but it stilled him like a shot. He forced a laugh. “Plenty of beings have tried, child.”

“Do you think they’ll try to hurt my Daddy too?”

Loki didn’t answer. He was saved from further pestering by footsteps on the stairs.

“There you are, Ben.” The brown haired woman stopped when she saw Loki, and he, in turn, froze when he saw what had arrived with her. Two adult Jotnar, and a whelp, which ran towards the boy. Loki adjusted his grip on the knife, ready to hurl it into the frost pup’s neck, when the other Loki’s boy ran to it and wrapped his arms around it, turning blue himself.

Loki dropped the knife with a clatter, and the adults turned to look at him. He snarled at them.

“Uh, shall I take the little ones to play outside?” asked the smaller Jotun, its blonde hair swaying.

“Thank you, Skaadi,” the taller one bowed. Loki watched the other shepherd the two children out of the room. It was no taller than him. Apparently he was not the only Jotun runt.

The woman was looking hard at him. “Pepper says you won’t help us get Loki back.”

He turned back to his food.

“Loki, please. You don’t have to go back to your universe, we just need you here to target the portal or something. It’ll take too long without you.”

He whirled round, looming over her. “Do you know what kind of monster shares your bed? Weakling, lying, cheating Jotun trickster runt. What makes you think he deserves saving?”

She shoved his chest with both hands, eyes blazing. “He’s a hero. He uses his tricks and magic and Jotun physiology to save people. What are you? You’re just an asshole and a coward.” She sneered at him. “Have you ever considered it’s what you do that makes you a monster, not what you are?”

She suddenly threw her hands up int he air and shook her head, storming out of the room. Loki clenched his jaw.

The Frost Giant sat on a stool by the kitchen counter. Loki curled his lip at him and turned away.

“When did you find out about your Jotun birth?”

Loki threw a glare over his shoulder. The Jotun seemed unconcerned.

“My brother learned on the day he came to lure me and my wife into a trap.” Loki froze, not even breathing. The Jotun was looking away from him, lost in his memories. “He had planned to lure us into Asgard as a disruption to Thor’s coronation. There was a cliff fall, and I grabbed him.”

Loki remembered his own nightmare vision of indigo creeping up his arm in battle, his shock mirrored in the Jotun warrior’s face, and he clenched his trembling hands against the counter.

“He ran away,” the Jotun continued. “We did not see him for months. He returned because Darcy was pregnant, and he feared for her safety.”

He ran away. Loki nearly laughed. Is that all it would have taken? In this universe he had escaped his throne, his realm, his expectations, and found beings who appeared to love him, as short-lived and mortal as they were. Whereas he had tried to make everything better, to _make his father proud_ , and he had failed on every count.

“Have you found your own brothers on Jotunheim?” the Jotun asked.

“I imagine I killed them,” he replied dryly. The creature did not reply, and Loki turned away from him, trying to ignore the pricking up his spine at turning his back on a ten foot tall threat he had probably murdered in another world. At last he could contain it no longer and whirled around again. “What do you want of me? To admit he is a better version of me than I am? I am sure that is true. And exactly what difference do you think it will make to my decision? I have spent my entire life in the shadow of my golden brother. I try to change my role and stand above, and I am brought lower than you could even imagine.” He stepped back, his arms spread wide, a vicious smile cutting his face. “Being in the shadow of my own better self will be no hardship.”

The Frost Giant smiled. “You know, you lie better than my brother.” He stood and his arm twitched, as if he was going to clasp his shoulder, and remembered with whom he was dealing. “I ask nothing of you, Loki, and I try not to judge. The Norns do not - what right have I? Fare well, little brother. You may not like the appellation, but I use it in memory of the Byleistr who never had the chance to prove how well you once were loved.”

When he left, Loki slumped his shoulders and pressed shivering hands against the counter to hold himself upright. So it was true. He had hoped the visions of loving families torn apart by his attack on Jotunheim had been an invention of Thanos to torment and break him, but he had known it was true in the objective corner of what remained of his heart. He had wanted to continue thinking of the Jotnar as mindless, dangerous beasts, but the truth had come to him as he fell into the void, before Thanos’ grasp had ever reached him. That internal voice that sounded so like his father’s, the one that always stayed silent until Loki had done something stupid, unforgivable, idiotic, before telling him it was a bad idea. That voice had waited until his brother’s cry had faded into memory before saying _if all Jotnar are truly stupid, worthless animals, what are you? Unique in all the realms? If all Jotnar have less intelligence than even Volstagg, how can you, with your genius, be one of them? How can those you lured to the vaults be thoughtful, and suspicious, and brave? How can Laufey be articulate and powerful and lead his loyal troops if the Frost Giants are but beasts, fighting among themselves for supremacy?_

_Can every Jotun you have ever traded words with be an anomaly? Or has a foolish, insecure child clung to propaganda of a defeated foe just to have someone to put below himself on the scales of worthiness? Stupid hateful worthlessuselesswasteofspace—_

Footsteps up the stairs halted Loki’s spiralling, and, still in the grip of panic, he cast a flickering shroud of invisibility over himself.

Stark walked in and looked around before throwing himself at the furniture, pushing it across the floor. “Jarvis, can you get everyone up here, please?”

Slowly, the Avengers and their entourage began to arrive, in pairs or small groups. The other Loki’s consort arrived alone, rubbing her red eyes surreptitiously beneath her glasses.

“Pepper and Phil say they’re going to stay with the centre pieces,” said a tiny brown-haired woman, and Loki jerked with surprise to recognise Thor’s pet mortal Jane - only she nestled beneath the Captain’s arm. His eyes widened, but of course, Thor would not have been banished to Midgard had the Jotnar not prevented his coronation. Loki wondered if Thor was by now Allfather in this universe.

Stark nodded at the woman. “Anything we can do?”

She shook her head, a frown appearing between her brows. “Apparently to do this kind of stuff with human astrophysics we’d have to develop another two thousand years. On the plus side, with the apples, we’ll all be around to see that.”

Loki’s jaw dropped. These mortals had been gifted Idunn’s apples?

Stark nodded. “I just got out of a conference with the council. Malekith and Surtur were no help as always, but Galadriel’s sending some data over.”

Romanov smiled. “You know her name’s not Galadriel, right?”

Stark waved a hand. “She’s an _elf_ , with blonde hair. Even if her name _wasn’t_ Galadh, I’d still call her that.”

Loki shook his head and stopped trying to make sense of all the differences between his universe and this. Stark waved at the two Jotun adults as they arrived with the children. “Byleistr,” he called, and Loki’s supposed brother raised his eyebrows. “Gridr sends her love.”

Byleistr smiled. “You have spoken with the Council then? What news of the Nine Realms?”

But Loki was no longer listening, for the Hawk had arrived, deep in conversation with Fandral. Loki watched in shock as his old lover walked up to the younger Jotun, clasping her on the shoulder where she wore a thin tunic, and pulling her into their discussion. Loki laid his head on the counter. What multitude of events must have changed to separate this from what he had? Could he ever, in any iteration, have possibly deserved this utopia, this collection of beings who seemed to care for him?

Stark clapped his hands. “Hey, everyone. I know we’ve got our reasons to be all subdued and miserable and shit…uh, sorry kids. Anyway, I think we need to get out of it, so we can really concentrate on getting Lokes back. And what does Loki do when he’s got problems or he’s down, or…yeah, actually, what does Loki do all the time? He listens to music and dances his skinny ass off. So Jarv, please play some of Loki’s favourites.”

The gathered beings laughed softly, and a few of them clapped and shook their heads as a slow beat started and a man sang quietly about a woman. Loki frowned, having never heard music deal with anything less than epic tragedy or battle.

_what a beautiful mess this is, it’s like picking up trash in dresses_

“Ha-freakin’-ha, Jarvis, you’re hilarious,” Stark said as the others laughed, some swaying to the beat. “C’mon, something we can dance this nervous energy off to!”

“Of course, Sir,” the disembodied voice replied, and the song changed to a jaunty beat with bells and tapping drums.

“That’s better,” Stark yelled. “C’mon, Ben, Vidarr, let’s dance.” 

The two blue children leaped into the centre of the room and spun around, holding hands.

_if you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see i’ll be the light to guide you_

One by one, grown mortals, Jotnar and Aesir joined the dance, holding each other, smiling, turning and moving between each other. 

_find out what we’re made of when we are called to help our friends in need_

Loki used the distraction to slide one of the bar stools out and sit, his head in his hands as his elbows rested on the table. He thought about what he’d left in his own universe, all the lives he’d ruined. Even in the last few days on Midgard, for all that he truly believed it was the only way he could have foiled the invasion and escaped Thanos, there were families who would be mourning on his account. He thought of the Avengers he’d left behind, the three he had known were approaching during his posturing speech in Stuttgart. If he had not been torn out of that life and inserted here, would they have arrived in time to save him from martyring that old man? Or would he, too, have fallen, yet another victim of the fallen Prince of two realms, welcomed to Valhalla, where cowardly, _seidr_ -wielding _ergi_ monsters could never hope to enter.

And that other Loki, with friends and family who seemed to care for him, how did he fare in the monster’s place? Had he turned to the Captain, trust in his foolish heart, and felt his skull crushed by the righteous shield? Had he survived long enough to fight back, to wonder at the betrayal, to learn something of the truth? Against his will Loki saw the dancing idiots find their way to the other universe, only to arrive too late. He saw the woman and the child grieve, and to banish the image, wondered if the warriors would fight their other selves for his honour. How strange that universe would find it, he thought, his lips curling in genuine amusement, to have someone fight for the Trickster’s honour. Thor and his friends would be particularly baffled.

A soft laugh made him look up at the dancers. They swayed slowly to a new song, flushed from the past half hour of laughter and motion. But with this gentle, minimalist tune, Byleistr’s quiet exclamation had been heard. He stood still, his head tipped back as if it would help him to take in the sounds.

_the sun doesn’t like you, you always get burned_

“Loki played this song for me the first time I came to Midgard,” he said, a distant smile on his face. The others laughed, their mirth tinged with sadness. “I laughed, too, when I first heard it, and you all know how his eyes sparked with merriment.”

“God of Mischief,” snorted Darcy. “So appropriate.”

Byleistr patted her shoulder and continued. “But he grew quiet as the song went on. He said it made him think of Helblindi.

_and time wont pass us by, and you won’t tell me lies, someday we all have to die, but not now_

Loki rolled his eyes and slipped silently off his seat. He didn’t know any Helblindi in his own universe, but he could tell by the lowering shoulders that some fallen comrade had come to mind. His own maudlin tendencies were more than enough to cope with, and he had a ritual to interrupt.

He found Potts and Coulson in a sterile looking room close to where he had woken up. To his surprise they both saw him enter before he had dropped his invisibility.

“I have decided to return to my own universe. So it appears our desires align.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Take it Back by Norah Jones.
> 
> Benjamin is listening to Afire Love by Ed Sheeran.
> 
> Jarvis thinks he's funny by putting on A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz.
> 
> The Avengers dance to Count On Me by Bruno Mars.
> 
> Helblindi's memorial song is The Sun Doesn't Like You by Norah Jones.


	6. Far Away from the Memories of the People who Care if I Live or Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is taken to the helicarrier, and might actually be getting somewhere with the MCU Avengers.

Loki was still trembling and glazed as he walked through the helicarrier, surrounded by SHIELD guards. They locked him in a glass cube. Director Fury growled something incomprehensible about ants and boots, but Loki could barely bring himself to react. He stood upright just long enough for the others to tire of watching him, then curled up on the floor. 

They had taken this phone, but he didn’t need an electronic device to see his family’s faces. He flexed his fingers and images of Darcy and Benjamin appeared. They lay down facing him, Benjamin curled up against his mother’s chest and poking his tongue out, stretching his cheeks with his fingers. Loki couldn’t help laughing, even as warm tears fell, pulled sideways by gravity. Almost unconsciously the music began to play.

_i’ve been having dreams and visions, in them you are always standing right beside me_

Byleistr, Gridr and Vidarr appeared, sitting cross legged behind Darcy, and slowly the Avengers filled the small room, quiet, sad, but smiling and there for him.

_with you i am revealed, all my shame, all my faults and my virtues_

How could the Jotnar ever forgive him for what he had planned? Was this Loki so different, in a universe so much the same? Could something so small separate the life he tried to live as a father and an Avenger from this monstrous role the other Loki appeared to fill? Did he truly skate such a thin line between acceptable and complete evil? Loki thought back to his life on Asgard, the anger and envy he had nursed and hidden, and realised with heartbreaking certainty that the answer was yes. He had all the potential to be the monster these people said he was. The only thing giving him this thin veneer of respectability, possibly even of counterfeit heroism, was his family. Benjamin and Darcy in particular. And now they were in another universe, separated from him, possibly forever. Would he degrade into his natural villainous state without them there to keep him whole? 

He hovered his hand above the Darcy illusion’s cheek, and she gave him a half smile, crinkling up her nose so her glasses shifted.

_you and i, we’re lifted over the edge, and i will fall for you_

No. Loki clenched his fist and returned her smile. He would keep them at the front of his mind, as long as he had to spend in this universe. He would honour them and what they had made of him. But as the decision crystallised in his mind, another thought resurfaced. This other Loki, his monstrous self, how would he deal with these precious people? Would Darcy and Benjamin’s power over him extend to the other Loki? 

He forced every nightmare out of his mind - every bloodstained image of everyone who'd ever cared for him dead by his own hand. Of course he had these images in his mind. He was a monster, making play he was still a man. For now he had to trust the Avengers to keep the other Loki under control while he found some way to get home.

***

He woke to Knights of Cydonia blaring at top volume and grinned even as he clutched his ears. It must have all been a terrible dream! He was at home, Tony thought he was being funny again, and he would open his eyes to Darcy sleeping through the racket as always.

“Jarvis, mute, please,” he yelled, still unable to stop smiling.

_i’ll show you a god, falls asleep on the job_

“Stark!” he groaned, “you are not nearly as funny as you think you are.” He rubbed his eyes and sat up. Why the hell was he on the floor?

“Oh, I think I’m pretty damn hilarious.”

Loki blinked, his eyes still bleary. “You are losing your touch, Tony, you’ve played that one before,” he yawned.

“Still playing the alternate universe angle, huh?”

Loki froze in the middle of a stretch and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes properly to look around, his heart sinking as he saw the glass walls and the control panel. He groaned and lay back down.

The door slid open and Loki turned his head to see Director Fury and Natasha march in. “Stark, stop hacking your AI into SHIELD,” Fury growled. “What the hell are you doing here anyway?”

“Provoking a Norse God. C’mon, you can’t tell me you weren’t going to do the same.”

Natasha was staring at him and he sat up as she moved closer to the cage. “I want to know what you’ve done to Agent Barton.”

Loki frowned and leaned forwards. “So do I, now. What…” he thought about his words. “What do you think I have done?”

She glared at him, then glanced at the two men arguing. “You pressed that sceptre to his chest and he was suddenly on your side. What are you going to do with his mind when you’re done here?”

“Natasha, I know this is hard to believe, but I really have no idea. I don’t know what sceptre you’re talking about, I fight with knives and _seidr_ \- magic. Can you show me a picture? Or a video of what happened? I really do want to help.”

“Yeah, sure,” Tony snorted from where he hand Fury had given up bickering. “Excuse me if I don’t believe the God of Lies.”

Loki rolled his eyes so hard it hurt. “Oh, fantastic, you have that myth too. Do you have the one where I fuck a horse and give birth to a foal? That one is also bullshit.” He snorted and muttered under his breath “I’m not even a very good liar.”

Natasha exchanged a look with the Director. He recognised the little non-verbal messages they had. They were keeping something relevant back, something that could be useful. If this other Loki had compromised Clint in some way, they were all wasting time, and Loki felt his temper rising. He could understand, objectively, but he wasn’t feeling very objective right now.

He stood smoothly and walked through the glass, stepping up to the computer at the console. Both Fury and Natasha were yelling, and Natasha fired. Without even looking, he caught the bullet in a shield sphere and allowed it to ricochet in the little bubble. “Don’t waste all our time. Show me what he did to Clint and I might be able to break the spell.” As he spoke, he started tapping at the keyboard.

“How the hell did you do that?” Tony squeaked.

“Which bit?”

“Let’s start with the walking through fucking Hulk-proof glass bit!” Fury snarled

Loki glared at Fury. “Hulk-proof? Really? He is an Avenger!”

“Yeah?” Fury snorted. “And how would you get the Other Guy under control, your Godliness?”

“I usually distract him with flocks of birds or tropical fish,” he replied, and turned back to Tony, ignoring the spies’ confused looks. “I align the particles of my own body with those of the glass, and allow the lines to pass between each other.”

Tony made a few squeaking noises. “You did quantum tunnelling on a macro scale? Are you fucking kidding me? Jarvis, get Bruce down here, like, yesterday.”

Loki smiled, then frowned at the computer asking for yet another password. “Jarvis, please could you bring up all the videos on file showing Loki…uh, me, if you like.”

“Go ahead, Jarv,” Tony shrugged. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” yelled Fury.

Tony shrugged. “If he’s the same Loki, he’s already lived through this stuff anyway.

Fury and Natasha looked at each other then moved to stand behind him in parade rest. Natasha holstered her gun, not that that made her any less instantly dangerous, although this Natasha didn’t know his weak points as well as the one in his own universe.

They turned their attention to the screen where Jarvis had cued up the first video. Loki could tell the spies were watching him for his reactions. It itched at him - he felt like he should be manufacturing his reactions, hiding the truth under layer upon layer of masks, when what he really needed was for the agents to see the truth. He resisted the urge to over act his own natural reactions, tried to put them from his mind, and watched…himself.

It was not as if he had never seen himself on screen. The Avengers often watched Tony’s footage of battles - initially Steve and Hoenir had hoped it would be a way of reviewing tactics and improving their teamwork, but the others…well, mostly Tony…oh, very well, AND Loki, used it as an opportunity to freeze the screen on the least flattering poses and facial expressions. To take the whole thing so seriously felt very odd by itself, but more so because the man on screen was so like him and yet _not_ him at all.

The Loki on screen appeared in an explosion of blue flame from the Tesseract. These mortals must not have been taught its mastery. His face was contorted with wild grins flickering to confusion, then fury or terror, it was hard to tell. He stared at the vicious sceptre in his hand as if he didn’t recognise it, then fell to battle with a raw ferocity he had only felt at his most desperate. That first fight with SHIELD, the near battle with Odin…there was no joy in that Loki’s face, not like Thor with his gleeful bloodlust, but he hurled his entire _being_ into war with grim efficiency. And aside from the sceptre’s blasts, he used no _seidr_ at all.

When he approached Barton Loki’s eyes widened. This must be what Natasha had spoken of. “You have heart,” the man said, then gently pressed the spear to his chest. He watched the smile spread over his double’s face as Barton holstered his weapon, and felt sick. That was…him, taking his friend’s will, betraying that trust. Selvig too. Loki winced and wondered if his own Selvig would feel vindicated for his actions all those years ago.

The Loki on screen was talking, and he frowned. _Burdened_ with glorious purpose? Freedom is life’s great lie? Half of the time he sounded like a dictator, the other half like he was screaming for help. Loki opened his mouth to ask why he was contradicting himself - why bring ‘freedom’ to a bunch of ants? - and then kept quiet. It was not _him_. This man wore his face, for all that it was haggard and abused, but Loki could not know what other differences lay between them. Perhaps he had never laid such meaning on his words, and they really were insane ramblings. Perhaps he had never been a diplomat or fought with _seidr_ , or won wars with manipulation instead of brute strength. He needed to talk to this world’s Thor, and learn more about his counterpart. Perhaps he was truly a power crazed warlord bringing an army to win a throne for himself. But as he watched the Loki on screen stumble, doubling over before hauling himself upright again, he felt his instincts swirl with unease.

The footage from Stuttgart was shorter and more powerful. The doppelgänger on screen looked healthier, more sane, and that was worse. His words were all consistent, like he meant what he was saying, all those things about subjugation. Loki thought of his friends, of Clint, Jane and Tony in particular. They had been purely mortal, not reborn Aesir, or chemically engineered super soldiers. If this Loki was with them in his universe, would he see them as useless mortals to rule and control? _Could_ he even see their uniqueness? Their perfection? How worthy they were, all of them, of Idunn’s harvest?

The doubles on screen were flickering, like his _seidr_ only did when vastly depleted. He leaned forward and rested his hands on the console, warring with himself. He could not be objective about this, but he didn’t know in which direction his bias lay. Did he give him too much credit and notice evidence of extenuating circumstances because he didn’t want to believe in any universe in which he could be so evil? Or did he overlook more of that same glaring evidence because he wanted to distance himself from the monster who had destroyed Jotunheim?

He was watching the elderly gentleman rise to his feet with a sinking feeling, when phrases started to bear on his memory. The illusions flickered and disappeared, the Loki onscreen was blinking furiously and twitching as if he heard voices in his ear, and just as he raised his sceptre to fire, he was thrown back in a flash of purple _seidr_. Loki leaned closer, noting with relief that the old man was still standing, and the Captain had arrived. The Loki onscreen was climbing to his feet, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and it took Loki a laughably long time to realise that was actually him.

He stood upright. “And that’s where I came in.”

Tony hummed. “What was that purple smoke?”

“It was _seidr_ of some kind, though I do not recognise the exact shade. It resembles Hela’s.”

_“Seidr?”_

“Magic.” He conjured a little green snake on his outstretched hand. Tony jumped, then reached out a curious finger and it disappeared in a glimmer of green light. “Mine is green, like your Loki’s,” he explained, gesturing to the screen. “He does not seem to use it in battle as much as I do, but when he changes his armour, and when the doubles appear around the crowd, you can see it is a very similar colour to mine. Not that that helps my case much.”

“And this Hela you mentioned?” Fury prompted.

“Yes, the Goddess of the Dead. Pepper Potts.”

“ _What?_ ” Tony whirled on him, and Loki’s eyes widened.

“You have not learned of this here?”

“How the hell do you know about Pepper? What’s your game, you asshole?”

Loki rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth. “I have no game, you dullard. I just want to get home! And while you waste your time disbelieving every word I say, the Loki who threatened your world is almost certainly putting my friends and family in danger. Now if you don’t mind, either find Pepper Potts or Phil Coulson and ask them about Ragnarok, or leave me to question Thor about his brother’s state of mind.” He glared at Tony, who snarled back.

“What’s Agent Coulson got to do with it?” asked Fury.

“He is an ancient Aesir called Hoenir. He and Hela survived the last Ragnarok and have lived on Earth for over a thousand years.”

Fury snorted. “That’s complete bullshit. I’ve known Coulson since he was a child, watched the guy grow up, and I’m sure as hell not a thousand years old.”

“Really?” Tony turned to the director. “Agent was a kid? I kinda assumed he sprang fully formed from your loins.”

Fury glared at Tony. 

“What about Pepper?” asked Loki.

“Well, I only met her ten years ago, so I can’t say I grew up with her, but she’s got all her yearbooks, and I met her mom.” He squinted at Loki. “wait, you mean in your world she’s the Goddess of the Dead?”

“Yes. And the daughter of my previous incarnation.”

“And she’s still with me?” He snorted when Loki nodded. “Yeah, right. She deserves better in this universe, why would she hang around with me when she’s a freaking goddess?”

Loki shrugged and smiled. “My wife is the Goddess of Fidelity.” Tony smirked. “Perhaps they are not the same in your universe. There are so many things the same here, and yet so much is different.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose, and wished he could just go back to sleep.

“Why the same names, though?” Natasha asked.

Loki shrugged. “Repeating patterns in the multiverse? I don’t know. Certainly every cycle of Ragnarok has produced the same characters, with the same names, and essential roles. Even the Allfather, when he took me as a de-aged baby from Jotunheim, did not change my name. I have apparently been the God of Mischief time after time, always fated to both help and anger the Aesir, and to cause the end and the beginning. Even now, after almost bringing the Nine Realms to war again, I do not know if I have broken the cycle of Ragnarok or simply delayed the inevitable.”

Tony tipped his head on one side. “OK,” he said at last. “I’ll bite. I believe you’re from a parallel universe. You talk way too much obscure bullshit to be making this up.”

Loki smiled as euphoric relief flooded him. He hadn’t realised how tense he’d become, the constant distrust winding him up into a state of anxiety he hadn’t felt since he believed himself to be a Prince of Asgard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I struggled with this chapter a lot. I wanted to deal with Loki's insecurities, but show that he has grown, in that he now believes in his friends and trusts them. He even trusts them to love him in his absence. But he still doesn't know what to think about MCU Loki, and that made his reactions very difficult to write...I hope it came across OK!
> 
> Song title is taken from Starlight by Muse.
> 
> Loki listens to Wedding Song by Tracy Chapman, and Fall by Ed Sheeran, when he thinks of Darcy.
> 
> Tony plays Knights of Cydonia by Muse to wake Loki up.


	7. Better Bring your Own Redemption When you Come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki might have gained more than just allies in the VC universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here this fic starts leaning more towards MCU Loki's POV, because, let's be honest, he does have more issues to sort out! Hope you're all OK with that!

Darcy ran to him and embraced him when Potts and Coulson dragged him to the common room to announce his change of heart. Her soft body wrapped around his felt like a cage, and he froze in sudden panic. ‘Soft’ made no sense to him.

They were all crowding around him, talking around him all at once, planning, questioning, pressing in on him and _how could they stand it _, being so _close?___

__“…that should give them enough time to arrive and hold the fort. That OK with you Loki? We’ll open the portal tomorrow morning?” Potts put a hand on his shoulder and he flinched, barely holding back a snarl as he nodded. They were all looking at him. Every one save the Jotnar was smaller than him, but he felt as if they towered over his head, blocking out the sun, taking his air, and all he wanted was to scream and throw them across the room and—_ _

__“Hey guys, I need Loki to give me a hand, thanks.”_ _

__A metal hand closed around his upper arm and drew him steadily out of the crowd, out of the room, out of the building._ _

__“Go ahead,” said Barnes, releasing him and stepping back to lean against a low branch. He crossed his arms and stared out over the lake. “Let it out, or whatever. They won’t see or hear you here.”_ _

__Loki clenched his fists and stared at Barnes in silence. The man stretched his black-clad legs out in front of him and leaned his head on one side, then the other, so that his neck clicked, but he let the silence stand otherwise._ _

__“What do you want of me?” Loki asked through gritted teeth._ _

__He was silent for a moment more. “They don’t mean it, when they get all…clumpy like that. They don’t get it, why it bothers me, and I never tell them I don’t like it because it doesn’t _always_ affect me. I don’t want them to think I can’t be touched or anything, y’know?”_ _

__“Why would it mater what they think I want? I will be gone tomorrow.”_ _

__Barnes raised his eyebrows and smiled at him. It made Loki turn away. “You know,” Barnes said, “that’s the first time you’ve reminded me of Loki. The other one, I mean. He didn’t get why anyone would bother to help him either.” He snorted. “I bet the idea of us coming to get him hasn’t even crossed his mind, the idiot.”_ _

__Loki turned and walked to the water’s edge, not wanting to see that fond smile on yet another person’s face when they thought of _their_ Loki, the _better_ one. He felt like an interloper in his own skin._ _

__“Hey, do you have a nickname, or something? It’s getting confusing, having two Lokis. The other Loki, he sometimes calls himself Walker, ‘cause of the whole teleportation thing. Uses it as his official family name and everything. You got a surname you use?”_ _

__Loki curled his lip even as he felt a flicker of gratitude at not being the ‘other’ Loki, at Barnes, at least, not referring to ‘his’ Loki. “I have no family, so I have no surname. I suppose you could call me Princeling or Liesmith, as so many others have done, or you may call me nothing at all for the one short day I have left here.”_ _

__Barnes pursed his lips in thought. “I’ll stick with Loki, then. Can’t imagine you actually _like_ any of those others. The one from our universe, well, I call him Walker sometimes anyway.”_ _

__“I do not know why you are bothering,” he laughed bitterly._ _

__“You know, I recognise you, Loki,” he said, and Loki whirled round to sneer at him. “Oh, I don’t mean your face. Sure, you look like Walker, on the surface. But I’m talking about _you._ All those scars just behind your eyes, all the flinches and adrenaline when someone touches you. Like lookin’ in a fucking mirror. The only other person I get that with in the slightest is Natasha, and with her it’s hidden under layers of polished perfection. Tony’s got it a bit, too, but it’s different for him. He got himself out. You and me, we had to be dragged away from our tormentors kicking and screaming, and don’t _that_ just give your ego a little boost?”_ _

__“What could you possibly know, mortal?” Loki snarled and stalked over to the man, fury radiating from him, his recovering _seidr_ weakly lashing like an injured cat’s tail._ _

__Barnes raised his eyes to meet him, and his cheerful smirk fell away. And Loki _saw_ , as all the social masks slipped for him. “Did ya think the arm was a fashion statement?” he asked softly, and the warm day darkened in the face of his gaze._ _

__“You do know,” he almost whispered. “You understand.”_ _

__“Nice, huh? Not that I’d ever wish this shattered soul business on anyone, but it sure feels good to face someone who gets it all, all the little splinters, and just feels brotherhood instead of pity.”_ _

__“It’s…” _like coming home_ , Loki thought. Barnes’ whole existence could merge with his own, while everyone else felt like oil on water, incompatible. He took a step closer and it didn’t set his teeth on edge._ _

__“You know, I was with Steve for years after Walker and the others got me out of Hydra. With him almost straight away, like a fairy tale. We were in love back when that sorta thing could get you killed, then both of us go off the grid 70 years. Him in a block of ice, me brainwashed and twisted into a weapon for the enemy. So when he…rescued me, well, who am I to go against the narrative?” He met Loki’s gaze again. “But you and I both know, broken things like us, we don't get the fairytale ending.”_ _

__Loki snorted. “Indeed.”_ _

__Barnes stared out over the lake. “I started to resent him. He was trying so hard to fix me, but that kid he hung out with before, he’s dead.” Loki nodded and sat next to him. “I hated that kid he grew up with. I can’t be him any more, y’know?” He turned in his seat to face Loki. “I know you know. I can see you hate Walker like that.”_ _

__Loki dipped his head and hunched his shoulders slightly. “It matters not, Barnes. He will be back soon.”_ _

__“Bucky, please. But that’s not what I’m saying.” His metal arm rested on Loki’s shoulder. He could feel the strength in it, could tell that he could shatter his bones with a motion, but when he looked up into the square face, the blue eyes clear and boring into him, he had never felt so safe. “You think he’s better, or you think the old you was better? They’re not. They’re just different. You’re a different person now you’ve been through that shit. Just different, not worse, made from all the shattered pieces of the guy you were. Couldn’t get all the pieces back in the right place, but you reforged yourself into something new.”_ _

__Barnes…Bucky. Ridiculous name. He raised his other hand to Loki’s face, and at the feeling of his skin, Loki allowed him to slump slightly, pressing into the touch and letting him carry some of his weight. Where Darcy’s arms had felt like a trap, here he felt free, rested, and safe._ _

__The crack of the Bifrost startled him upright, and with the adrenaline still pulsing he didn’t even think to look to Bucky for clarification. He knew what he would see, if he was being honest with himself, but seeing Thor still came as a shock. And to see Sif and his m…Frigga with him took the air out of his lungs, and he stumbled back into Bucky._ _

__The movement caught Thor’s eye and the oaf turned, spreading his arms wide. “Brother!”_ _

__The shock and anxiety vibrated through Loki like anger until it burst from him almost in a scream. “I am _not your brother!”__ _

__His knees were trembling as all the stress from the morning - from the past five years - swirled around him like a tempest and he hauled on all his strength to hold himself straight and tall. He kept his eyes on Thor, that was bad enough without seeing Sif sneering at him for failing them all yet again._ _

__Without seeing his mother learn what a monster she had taken into her house._ _

__“Loki.” Thor stopped with his hands out. “What ails you? We have come to help, in response to Hoenir’s call.”_ _

__“Then go to him, and leave me be.”_ _

__“Loki, I do not understand…” Thor looked to Bucky when Loki just snarled at him._ _

__“It’s complicated, Thor,” Bucky sighed. “This is a different Loki, from another universe.”_ _

__“And I understand from his reaction to us that his family failed him as we failed our Loki,” Frigga said softly, stepping forward. Loki tried to stop himself from looking at her, from soaking up her presence like water to a desert, and was aware he looked like a cornered animal._ _

__“Aww, ma’am, you know Walker doesn’t think that.”_ _

__“Walker?”_ _

__“Yeah,” he waved his hand. “Helps me keep them separate in conversation.”_ _

__Thor bowed his head to Loki. “I have much to be ashamed of in my past treatment of my brother, and I know how fortunate I am to have been forgiven. I hope you and your brother may come to reconcile as we have done.” He gestured to the mansion where the Avengers were already emerging. “Will you join us?”_ _

__Violence was still humming beneath Loki’s skin, and he held his body still against the urge to fight, to hurt. All he wanted was to burn off this ferocity and nervous energy, but Thor was bing so _reasonable_ , and it just made him even more angry. He followed them up to the house, his hands clenching and unclenching._ _

__Metal fingers slipped between his and squeezed, grounding him. “Need to do some sparring or something? Burn some of that off?”_ _

__Loki stopped and started at Bucky, wondering if he had the ability to read minds. But Potts was welcoming the Aesir and calling everyone together to plan for tomorrow, so he shook his head. Bucky gave him a smile and patted his arm before walking off. “Bucky,” he called, and the man turned. Loki’s words stuck in his throat. How could he express his paltry gratitude to someone who was giving him back everything? Bucky just smiled again, understanding _again_ , and winked before turning back to walk into the house. Loki followed, a warmth spreading through his blood._ _

__He was not so presumptuous as to sit with Bucky when he arrived in the common room. Instead he sat on a wide windowsill and drew his feet up so his side was presented to the clear escape route. He could leap from this first floor window with minimal injury, and watch for attack both inside and out of the room._ _

__Potts stood and clapped her hands. “Thank you all for coming, especially the Aesir. Hoenir and I think we’ll be ready with the portal tomorrow morning. Loki, we just need your _seidr_ to form the focus of our spell casting, maybe produce some simple illusions or something so we can trace it to the source universe.”_ _

__Loki gritted his teeth. He had no desire to expose yet more of his weakness, but he knew a working of this magnitude relied on a number of very carefully calibrated variables, and mages must, above all, know their limits. “My channels are scarred, some blocked entirely. For how long will you need me to maintain it?”_ _

__He winced at the gasps from Potts, Coulson and Frigga. _Do not pity me_ he begged silently. But there was no protection from the woman who would have been his mother in this life. “How, Loki?” she whispered._ _

__He forced a smile. “Thanos has developed fascinating methods of discovering one’s pain threshold, in a number of situations.” At the mention of his name, the three visiting Aesir widened their eyes._ _

__“He still lives in that world?” Frigga turned from him to Potts, who nodded grimly._ _

__“Hey, guys, all very dramatic and stuff, but who’s Thanos?” asked Darcy, her knee tapping under her son who stared wide eyed at the solemnity._ _

__“Thanos is an ancient being who lives outside the Nine Realms,” explained Coulson. “It was long said that he couldn’t be killed, and as such he developed an obsession with death. He lies outside the cycle of Ragnarok, but each time Hela was reborn he became more infatuated with her.” Everyone turned to stare at Potts, who snorted angrily._ _

__“He thought a suitable wooing gift for the Goddess of Death was more death. Asshole,” she muttered. “As soon as my body and mind came of age in every cycle, he would destroy entire worlds in my name.” Potts’ jaw was tight with fury, but curled into a vicious grin, and for the first time Loki could see the power in her veins, and his own bloodline in her ferocity. “He made the mistake, in this universe, of approaching me in person. Hoenir and I tore his soul out.”_ _

__Stark cleared his throat in the silence that followed. “Can I just say I find that both terrifying and insanely sexy? And second, why didn’t the other Hela do the same thing?”_ _

__Potts turned to Loki. “You said Hela in your universe is a spirit being?” He nodded. “Her _seidr_ might not have been strong enough then. Hoenir and I, we’re also much older than any other Aesir, so we had millennia of experience behind us. Even so, the battle lasted decades, and we had to tire him out by leading him on a chase across other planets before we even dared attempt to use the soul stone.”_ _

__Loki’s head shot up. “You have one of the infinity gems?”_ _

__“Of course. I have dominion over souls, so the soul stone is kept in Helheim.”_ _

__Loki clenched his hands into fists and held them tightly pressed to his thighs. “He is seeking the six infinity stones. He has craftsmen who mean to work together to create a new gauntlet. That is why I was sent to Midgard, to retrieve the Tesseract.”_ _

__Potts hissed a breath out through her teeth. “And he sent you with the mind gem as well…does he have any others?”_ _

__“Power,” whispered Loki, trying to hold back memories of the purple gem pulsing from the Titan’s chest, its energy forcing through his body and burning his _seidr_ channels. His hands trembled against his every effort and the air he tried to breathe seemed to shred his lungs._ _

__“Hey, move up, Loki.”_ _

__Loki’s head shot up to see Bucky holding out a bottle to him, drinking from another. When he moved his legs, the man sat down, keeping his eyes on the conversation, and rubbed his calf with strong, warm fingers until he was able to pull himself back from the edge and hear the discussion._ _

__“…one of us should stay here to guide the return portal. We’re going in blind from this side, aiming for Loki, but if Frigga stays to target us back, it won’t take up so much energy, and if we’re going to have a fight on our hands we’ll need all the help we can get.”_ _

__Coulson nodded. “If you take the mind stone, Loki’ll be able to wield that, wont you? It’ll strengthen your _seidr.”__ _

__“I will have nothing more to do with that thing,” he snarled, the panic rising again. “Unless you _want_ me to turn on you as Thanos’ tool again?”_ _

__Coulson simply nodded. “Maybe our Loki can do it, assuming we find him and he’s well enough.” Loki noticed Darcy’s face paled with the bland statement. “What if we use the Tesseract against him? You expect any ill effects from that?”_ _

__“You assume the mortals from my universe will allow me anywhere near that thing after I stole it?” He shook his head. “I have no interest in facing Thanos again, armed or otherwise, and I do not understand why you would concern yourselves, put yourselves in danger, when it is not your world.”_ _

__“Let’s just say I’ll take personal pleasure tearing that bastard apart again,” said Potts._ _

__“And it’s just kinda what we do now,” added Rogers. “We’re busybodies, I guess.” The others nodded and grinned._ _

__"You are fools. You think you can handle a being like Thanos? His power is exponentially greater with the gem. What hope can you possibly have?”_ _

__“We have two gems, three if our counterparts let us have the Tesseract,” said Coulson._ _

__“And it’s possible the Hela in your universe has a soul stone too. Maybe we could get her on side.”_ _

__“Why can't we take some of the other gems from this world?” asked Sif._ _

__"For a start, the Tesseract is tied up to the Bridge generator in Nairobi, and it also supplies energy to eighty percent of the world. We can’t cut that off,” said Foster. “I imagine the other gems are equally essential to their respective realms.”_ _

__Loki snorted. "Has the Allfather lost so much power that he allows the other realms to challenge Asgard’s might?”_ _

__The whole group was silent for a moment, looking at each other awkwardly._ _

__“Are you saying your Odin’s still got that whole hegemony thing going on?” asked Darcy. “Has he _still_ got all of you guys under the spell?”_ _

__“Spell?”_ _

__Frigga leaned forward. “Loki, the Nine Realms learned of Odin’s deception five years ago and he was overthrown. He passed away nearly three years ago, in peace.”_ _

__Loki stared at her, trying to make sense of her words. He had seen Odin in his sleep, had known him to be old, but to hear that he was truly gone could not quite settle in his mind. He could not imagine an existence without the Allfather, for good or ill._ _

__“Come, Loki,” Frigga said gently. “I will explain it to you, if you would walk with me.”_ _

__He strode beside her in silence as she told him the tale of the spell binding the Nine Realms apart from Midgard, of how Loki, who should have been Odin’s equal, was trapped in ignorance as his lesser son._ _

__“Once the deception was discovered, Loki very nearly killed Odin. It was only Sigyn’s - Darcy’s - intervention that spared him, and kept us all from starting another cycle. Instead, a council of the Nine was set up in which all contributed as equals. The power gems and artefacts have been distributed, and Idunn has sent her apples to grow and be distributed among the mortals. Fertility has decreased, but they are finally taking their place among us.” She stopped and turned to him. “Loki…I have long been ashamed of my lack of support for my adopted son. I allowed myself to believe that Odin knew what was best, even when he whipped him into unconsciousness publicly, or trapped him immobile under the ground. But I was wrong. And if your universe is not ready to accept the truth and break the spell, I beg you to stay here and allow me to make amends on their behalf?”_ _

__Loki stared at her in horror. “That…I was never treated like that. Was this what your Loki truly experienced?”_ _

__Frigga’s eyes watered and she put one hand up to her mouth, taking Loki’s hand with her other. “I am glad to hear that you have not been so ill-treated,” she said, her voice trembling. “But knowing that there was a Frigga who kept her son safe makes me feel like even more of a failure.”_ _

__Loki couldn’t bear to see his mother’s face streaked with tears, and he wrapped his arms around her before he could think about it and hushed softly as she sobbed into his borrowed Midgardian clothes. The smell of her hair, like roses and summer, made the tears spring to his own eyes. But he did not deserve this comfort. Her Loki had endured terrible things from Odin, and yet had found a place for himself with beings who loved him, who were willing to follow him to another universe and fight a battle that was not their own, just because they were good people._ _

__In contrast, he had been ignored, but not beaten. His own adopted father had looked on him as a disappointment, called him jealous and unworthy, but had never _tortured_ him like this. Not the man he considered his own father._ _

__For the first time, Loki wondered if his years with Thanos had been only what he deserved._ _

__They returned in time to share a meal with the Avengers, who tried to convince him to call them all by their first names, and gathered around him in gentle concern and quiet affection. Loki thought he had never felt so emotionally exhausted. He could barely eat the rich food they handed him, his stomach used to scraps and rations. He watched Barton...Clint hand round a bowl of rice, and remembered how he had vomited when his own Hawk had encouraged him to eat. He hoped he would not see him on his return. He had known in the moment before the mind stone had pulled Barton’s will in alignment with his own that the man would hate him with his entire heart when - if - he was freed. Loki had expected to be dead by then, free in his own way. He managed to smile for him when he held the bowl out, and helped himself to the bland white food. The more he could keep down, the stronger his _seidr_ could grow, and while he may never be able to rely on it as he had once, the extra power would be needed to help him stay hidden in his own universe._ _

__He watched the people around him, ablaze with purpose and bound by friendship tighter than brotherhood. The more people offered to make him a home in their world, the more he knew he could never deserve it._ _

__He spent some time observing Thor, fascinated by the difference between him and the one in his own universe. Now he was calm he could see the obvious. Thor’s armour was no longer that of a Prince, but matched Sif’s as an honoured warrior. He was quieter, more relaxed. Happier._ _

__Loki realised that what had passed for happiness in his own brother was more of a manic need to be the leader, larger than life. To be worthy of being the centre of attention. As Thor helped to gather his neighbours’ plates, Loki realised the closest he’d seen of such behaviour in his Thor had been during his banishment. He had watched his brother from Hlidskjalf, serving food with Foster, and had sneered at him for playing at being mortal. Now, watching this man, he wondered if those days on Midgard had been the only glimpse of peace his golden brother had ever known._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Barricades of Heaven by Jackson Browne, though I first heard it (and loved it) as a cover by Charlie Simpson


	8. You're Throwing Life Away to Move with a Man Like me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dam breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is the only one with sex, and if you don't want to read it, you won't be missing out on any major character development by skipping this one, I don't think...

They all retired to bed early, eager to get a good night’s sleep. Loki couldn’t. In his spare room on the second floor he lay with his eyes open, staring into the night.

Eventually he gave up and returned to the common room, pacing the floor and touching ornaments, books, and photos, artefacts of a life he could have lived if he had been a better person.

“Hey. Can’t sleep either?”

Loki turned to see Bucky leaning against the wall. His short black hair was sleep-scuffed and he yawned. Something made Loki’s lip quirk in a tiny smile. “I did not mean to wake anyone.”

“You didn’t. I woke up by myself. Hot chocolate?”

Loki shrugged and followed him to the kitchen area, watching the muscles move under the thin white vest. He turned away.

“You ready for tomorrow?”

Loki nodded, staring at the boiling kettle, and rested his hip on the counter.

“And I can’t convince you to stay?”

He snorted. “You will have your own Loki back.”

Bucky laughed. “He ain’t my Loki. Walker’s a good kid, he fixed my brain, but he’s not mine.”

Loki risked a glance at his face. Those deep blue eyes were burning into him, and he had to look away again. “I am nothing like him.”

“I know.”

“I am a monster. I have destroyed my family, the lives of others, maybe even an entire realm. All things he has not. He deserves this life, this…this happiness. I deserve to be hounded by those I have wronged, I deserved everything I got, and I…” he couldn’t continue through the steel band crushing his chest. His eyes stung with tears and he grit his teeth to hold them back. “I deserve everything that's coming to me there.”

Bucky’s hand was on his cheek again, the calluses stroking away his tears, hushing gently. The feel of his skin forced the air and the tension out of Loki in a shuddering gasp, and the dam broke. Bucky’s metal arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him close, and he let his head fall against his shoulder, sobbing silently.

When the storm passed and his body had stopped shivering, Loki pulled back to wipe his face on a piece of kitchen roll. “I am sorry,” he whispered, not wanting to look at the man.

“Hey, it’s OK.” Bucky stepped close again and cupped both cheeks with his hands. A strand of Loki’s long hair caught in the joints of the metal and they laughed softly as they untangled it together. “Y’know,” Bucky said softly, stroking his cheek with his flesh hand. “I don’t think you deserve all that stuff. I also don’t think life gives you what you deserve. Karma’s all a bunch of bull, it’s all just chance.”

His face was so close Loki could feel the heat radiating off his body, and he reached up one hand to stroke against his cheek. He thought he saw Bucky’s eyes flutter as they touched. _I do not deserve him_ , he thought. _I do not deserve anything good._

He dipped his head slightly, drawn to his lips, just a breath away. Metal fingers slid along his hip and electricity followed, firing through his entire body. _I will be gone tomorrow. If I am not killed the moment I step through the portal, I will surely not last a week longer. Am I allowed this one last joy?_

He lifted his hands to Bucky’s short, spiky hair and pulled him the last few inches, pressing their lips together and almost sobbing into the heaven of it. Bucky curled his arms around his waist and neck and pressed his whole body against him, slipping his tongue out to swipe Loki’s bottom lip. The moment Loki let him in the world disappeared in white noise, nothing existed except Bucky’s tongue curling around his own, the rough scrape of his stubble on his face, his hands tight around his body, holding him safe and close.

When the broke apart they were both gasping, and Bucky grinned at him, his eyes nearly black. “Woah,” he said. “Loki…what do you…?”

Loki pressed their foreheads together, eyes shut, lost in a dream. “If you would have me, I would give you all of me,” he whispered. He couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes and watch Bucky pull back. Just a second longer. Let the dream last just a second more.

Bucky chuckled and his fingers slipped under Loki’s shirt. “Jeez, Doll, you make it sound like I’d be doing you a favour or something.” Loki opened his eyes to meet Bucky’s. “Like I don’t want you so bad my body aches whenever it’s not touching you.”

He kissed him again, slow and deep, fingers sliding up Loki’s bare back. “C’mon,” he whispered, smiling, and linked their hands together, pulling him into the corridor and then a room bathed in moonlight. The silver glinted off his metal arm, and Loki traced the scars by the joint with his fingers and lips, before kissing up his neck to draw soft growls from his throat. He pulled Bucky’s vest off, revealing perfect brown muscles, and he stroked around every line, leaving goosebumps in his wake. When Bucky pulled his shirt off he resisted the urge to curl his arms across his skinny, scarred chest, but Bucky dipped his head and licked around his nipple, his fingers digging into the flesh of his back. Loki let his head fall back and gasped as he grazed his teeth over the sensitive skin.

Bucky suddenly turned them and pushed him gently back onto the bed, sliding his own pyjamas off before crawling over Loki’s body, kissing him and running his hands up and down his ribs and arms, both of them just relishing the touch of each other.

He started moving down his chest, kissing and licking his chin, his neck, his nipples. He slipped his fingers into the waistband of Loki’s trousers and cupped his ass as he slipped the cloth down slowly. Loki bent his legs to pull them free and Bucky kissed his calves, behind his knees, and up his thighs. Loki could barely move, he was so captivated by the sight of the beautiful, perfect mortal, strong enough to destroy him, but instead of putting him down like he should, he gently nuzzled Loki's hip bones. Loki raised himself on his elbows to watch in wonder as the scruff of his face rubbed his sensitive skin. When Bucky took the head of his cock into his mouth he gasped, fingers gripping the sheets as he arched his back. Bucky’s meal arm slipped under the arch and held him, rubbing the flesh of his back as his tongue dipped into Loki’s slit and swirled under the head. Loki cried out as the warm, wet lips slid lower, his tongue massaging the vein on the underside, his lips hollowing as he sucked gently.

He didn’t even notice him taking the bottle of lube from the bedside table, but as his head rose up his length and slid slowly back down, he felt a slick pressure around his entrance, gently rubbing between his cheeks, and he bent his knees, pushing down against his finger, wishing he could find the words to make him hurry. But he didn’t think he would even if he could. Bucky turned his head to watch Loki’s face as his first finger breached into him, and Loki could barely hold his head up in the onslaught of pleasure. He was almost excruciatingly slow and gentle, and the crinkles at the corner of his eyes said he knew it.

Just as Loki started to feel his nerve endings hum with creeping pleasure, Bucky slipped off his cock and added a second finger, stretching him and _just_ brushing his prostate with his fingertips. Loki grabbed his metal arm and pulled him close, kissing him greedily as his muscles trembled. He ran his teeth along Bucky’s jawbone, felt the pulse under his own lips and sucked on his collarbone. He wanted to map every inch of him with his tongue and lips and fingers, but when Bucky slipped a third finger in, Loki groaned and let his head fall back, watching the stars behind his eyes.

He reached down between them and stroked his fingers along the smooth skin of Bucky’s shaft. The stutter in Bucky’s breath made his cock twitch in response and he nipped at his lip, wrapping his hand around the hard muscle with featherlight touches that made Bucky’s eyelids flutter and his head rest on Loki’s cheek. “Come into me,” he whispered in Bucky’s ear.

Bucky raised his head to look straight in Loki’s eyes. His fingers slipped out and Loki’s hips tried to follow. “You’re so beautiful,” Bucky murmured as he slicked himself, and lined his cock up with Loki’s hole. “So beautiful.”

He slid into him in one smooth, gentle move, and their eyes both fluttered shut. Bucky stayed still as Loki’s body adjusted around him. He linked his fingers with Loki’s over his head on the pillow, and kissed him gently, sweetly, along his jaw. Loki moaned as every light touch lit up his skin, every tiny motion was amplified at the join between them. He raised his legs and wrapped them both around Bucky’s waist, digging his heels in and undulating beneath him. Bucky groaned and tightened his grip on his waist and his hand. “God, you’re perfect, Loki.”

The words were like fire in his mind, burning the last of the world away. He’d never been perfect, never more than a means to an end, and his heart swelled to surround them both as Bucky began to move. Loki’s head fell back, exposing his neck to more kisses and teeth scrapes, and he trailed his free hand across the man’s defined chest, feeling his heartbeat below his hand. Their rhythm was picking up, and he could feel his orgasm building like a wave along his veins, up his calves as they rubbed along Bucky’s back, down his neck as Bucky groaned agains this skin. He felt Bucky’s warm hand trail from his hip to his leaking cock and close around it, squeezing, stroking, twisting, and the wave broke.

He arched his spine as he came, the world blank white before his eyes, every muscle clenched and spasming as he cried out and clutched Bucky’s short hair with one hand, and his metal fingers with the other. His body shuddered around Bucky, pulling him closer as he moved more and more erratically until he, too, cried out into Loki's neck and came inside him, pressing into him and clutching his body close.

In the moments after the world returned, as the wave receded, Loki marvelled at this man, his body heavy on top of his own, their chests rising and falling quickly, his come slick between them. He scraped his nails over Bucky’s scalp and breathed him in, wanting to stay like that forever, to never look into his eyes and see regret there. But Bucky pulled back and smiled at him, an open, sweet thing, and pressed gentle kisses to his face before wiping his chest off, then curling around him with more kisses and caresses. As Loki closed his eyes, head pressed against Bucky’s nose and limbs tangled together, he thought he had finally found a moment’s perfect satisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Man Like Me by Robert Downey Jr, which is just beautiful, go listen to Tony Stark singing, you know you want to!


	9. Did I Grow Up According to Plan?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki tries to find some answers on the helicarrier.

Loki noticed Fury give Natasha a brief nod, and she beckoned to Loki. “I’ll take you to Thor.”

“Thank you,” he smiled, and followed her through the metal corridors of the Helicarrier. “I have been thinking about Clint and the others,” he said, stepping behind her to stay out of the way of approaching agents. “I don’t know the exact nature of the mind control used on them, but much of it is limited to the conscious brain. If we were to administer a mild tranquilliser, just enough to cause them to sleep for an hour or two, I think that might purge the hold over his will.”

Natasha nodded. “We’ll keep that in mind.” She pushed a door open and Loki gasped.

Ahead of them Clint Barton was on his feet, an arrow notched in his bow. Loki pushed Natasha behind him, casting a shield over them both.

“Nat, what the fuck is he doing here?”

Loki raised his eyebrows at the hysteria running through Clint’s voice, at the very slight tremor in his hands, and turned to glare at Natasha. “Did you know his mind control was gone?”

Natasha shrugged, cold as ice, and he was furious with her. His own Natasha screwed with everyone’s head too, but at least she knew where to draw the line. “He and the others turned up with the Tesseract soon after Stuttgart,” she said. “They’ve been in psych eval ever since.”

“So you thought to surprise him with his slave-master…why exactly? Whose motives and loyalties are you testing here, his or mine?”

“Nat?” Clint’s voice was brittle under his bland tone.

She turned to face him fully. “He claims to be a Loki from a different universe. Coulson and Fury think that’s when the mind control broke, when the Lokis got switched. His sceptre disappeared with him.”

“So you’ve known I was telling the truth? For how long?” Loki snapped.

“I _knew_ nothing. All this could still be some elaborate trick.”

Clint snorted as he lowered his bow. “I’m fucking tired of having my head played with,” he growled, glaring at Natasha.

“Clint—“

“Nah. Fuck the lot of you. I’ll be in my bunk trying to sleep through nightmares of torture.”

“He…he tortured you?” Loki’s heart dropped.

Clint shook his head. “No. But we all caught glimpses of his mind when we tried to sleep.” He shuddered. “Now I’m looking it’s easy to see you’re not him. Peace out.” He flicked two fingers at Loki and Natasha, then stomped off down the corridor.

Loki glared at Natasha. At Romanov, for he had finally realised he did not know this woman well enough to call her by her first name. He didn’t know any of them at all. “Will you take me to Thor now, or do you have yet more detours?” 

“Don’t try sitting on your high horse with me, Loki, you know we can’t trust you.”

“I don’t blame you for mistrusting me,” he scoffed. “But Barton is your best friend - or at least he is where I’m from. Do you think he’d deliberately lead…I don’t know, one of your Red Room instructors to you, to catch you unawares and see how you react?”

“Of course not,” she replied, leading him further down the corridor. “But I never claimed to be half as good a person as Barton.”

The fight drained out of Loki and his shoulder slumped as he followed her in silence.

“I do believe you,” she said at last, over her shoulder.

He smiled. “As much as you’re capable of believing anything.”

“You see, you do know me.”

He huffed a laugh and followed her through one last door to see Thor staring out of the window, looking uncharacteristically pensive. Or maybe, he reminded himself, this was normal for Thor in this universe.

“He’s all yours,” said Romanov, and Loki nodded his thanks before he realised she could have been talking to either of them.

He took a deep breath and turned to face his brother’s double. “Good morning, Thor.”

“Brother.”

“I wondered if I might…ah…pick your brains about your Loki? I don’t know how much it will help, but I find there are so many similarities with my own life and this, and yet so many differences.” He frowned. “Not that I can think how understanding him may help me to get back to my own family, but any information will be welcome.”

Thor regarded him through narrowed eyes before nodding and gesturing to a conference table. “I find this hard to fathom, br…Loki. As you have said, there are many similarities. You remind me of my brother as he was before…before his fall.”

“Would you mind if we start at the beginning? I would like to know where our…maybe our timelines? I don’t know. Where our universes deviated. We were raised as brothers, yes?”

“Yes, from birth. As equals in the eyes of our parents and all of Asgard.”

Loki frowned, his head on one side. “Truly? I must say, that would already be a significant deviation from my own childhood. Although…” he trailed off and stared out the window, unable to look Thor in the eye. He thought of his own brother, oblivious to the shadows Loki stood in, and, until his own punishment for being a Frost Giant, or finding out his history or…well, whatever it was that had pissed Odin off so in the end, his own Thor had been endlessly loyal to his father. This was probably not going to be the most objective source of information. Loki took a moment to think of specific events and facts that were less likely to be distorted by the lens of another’s perception. It would not be easy.

“When did your brother start learning _seidr_ from your mother?”

“I…” Thor frowned, and Loki rolled his eyes. His own brother would probably not have noticed or recalled either.

“Was it before or after you began training with Tyr?”

“Ah, just after, I believe. Mother felt he would get himself in trouble without me there.”

“Oh, really?” Loki laughed. “I am sure it had nothing to do with me - him - trying to sneak into the training grounds.”

“Aye, I remember that happening once or twice,” Thor smiled.

“So that is the same, then. Did he have an aptitude for it?”

“He did, indeed,” Thor nodded. Mother should not have continued his lessons when he reached the age of battle training though. A warrior should not rely on such feminine tricks.”

“Oh, I recognise _that_ attitude,” Loki grimaced. “I don’t suppose the rest of the Aesir let it by unremarked either.”

“Indeed they did not,” Thor laughed. “Loki was always defending his honour in battle, but he insisted on using his accursed _seidr_ to win, so he rarely made headway with his reputation.”

“And yet you still consider him to have been your equal in their eyes?” Loki snapped, remembering the bravado that covered his own abject terror, the pride that had forced him to fight challenge after challenge against those so much older and stronger than him. He had used his _seidr_ because he just hadn’t been strong enough.

“Loki,” chided Thor, and Loki bristled. He hadn’t heard that patronising tone in years. “If you had just fought fair—“

“Would you have put aside Mjolnir?”

“Mjolnir is my weapon.”

“As _seidr_ is mine.” He waved his hand impatiently. “Anyway. What of Odin? What did he think of Loki’s chosen method?”

“He…he did not approve, exactly.” Thor looked awkward.

Loki nodded. “He was punished, then.”

“Punished? No, I would not say so…although…” Thor grimaced like it physically pained him to criticise his father. “I think his way of showing his disapproval was to ignore everything Loki achieved using _seidr_.”

“Ignore him?” Loki stared at Thor, mouth open. “Is that the worst he had?”

Thor shrugged, and Loki thought back to his own past carefully, particularly his childhood. He remembered a time when his worst punishments had been a disapproving glare, a shake of the head on the training grounds before his father left. Loki felt like laughing until he remembered the cold hurt that had settled into his bones each time, the daydreams of finding some glory his father could finally approve of, some achievement that would at last be the cause of a feast held in his honour, where _Thor_ would applaud _him_ for once.

“I imagine the punishments became somewhat more physical once he grew older?” Loki asked, pulling himself out of ancient hurts.

Thor frowned. “Not really, Loki. Of what do you speak?”

“What about the whippings, the head shaving? Being placed in stone after we faced Logi?”

Thor’s nose curled in disgust. “What are these lies, Loki? Our father has never laid hands on us in such a way.” He clenched his fist on the table. “Is this some sort of game you play, Liesmith? You seek to drive a wedge between me and our father by telling these disgusting falsehoods?”

“No, Thor, don’t be ridiculous.” Loki leaned back in his seat, tapping his fingers against the table. “Perhaps this is the difference between us. I was punished physically and painfully, and he was not, but…why would that cause him to behave like this? To destroy Jotunheim and attack Midgard…” he looked back up at Thor suddenly. “What about Angrboda and Svadilfari? How were they treated?”

“Who?” Thor’s voice was sharp, and Loki was vaguely aware of his temper rising, but he felt like he was _so close_.

“The Frost Giants who were disguised and living as Aesir, like me?”

“There are no such people, Loki—“

“What about Fenrir and Jormungandr?”

“I lose patience with your ridiculous tale, Brother.”

“So are you saying your Loki never met any of them, never had his friends and pets executed in front of him?”

“This is madness, Loki!”

“What of Sigyn? Where is she in your universe?”

“There is no such person and you know it! This is yet another of your tricks, is it not? You throw yourself into the void to escape the consequences of your actions, and then you attempt to blame your madness on our father with this ridiculous tale? I will have no more of it!”

“Thor, try not to be even thicker than you absolutely have to be. There is something here, some difference in our universes, and if I could just work out what it is, perhaps I can find out why I have been torn away from my wife and child! I cannot think but that the difference lies with Odin.” He slapped the table and rose. “Come, Thor, if we can reach solid grown we will be able to call Heimdall.” 

“And what,” he asked through gritted teeth, “can Heimdall do without the Bifrost?”

“What? What happened to the Bifrost?”

“You know very well I was forced to destroy it when you turned it on Jotuneheim.”

Loki slumped back down on his seat. “Truly? The Bifrost?” He rubbed his face. “How…how fares Jotuneheim?”

“As if you care,” Thor snorted. “All you want is your throne, your revenge upon me.”

Loki frowned at him. “Your brother wanted to be the king? Really? That sounds…fundamentally different to me.”

“You have always been jealous,” he sneered.

“Oh, sure, jealousy I admit. But I can only speak for myself when I say I only wanted Odin’s respect and the adulation you got from the rest of the Aesir. A throne…” he shuddered. “How could I get anything _done_ with my arse on a golden chair?”

Thor stood, knocking his chair over. “You invited the Frost Giants into Asgard to disrupt my coronation. You manipulated me to go to Jotunehim and start a war so I would be banished to Midgard. You harassed Father until he fell into the Odinsleep unprepared and took the throne yourself! You even made a special journey to tell me Father had _died_ and that I could never return, and _then_ you brought the Jotnar back into Asgard just so you could appear the hero in destroying them! Do not tell me that you do not desire a throne, and do not tell me Father is to blame for your selfish behaviour.”

Loki stood too, glaring right back at Thor. “I have done _none_ of those things. And if you cannot tell the difference between me and the brother you claim to know so well who is capable of such things, then perhaps you have failed to understand certain things about your own brother’s motivations. Can I even trust your opinions, Thor?”

The thunderer roared and punched him. Loki dodged and lashed out with his _seidr_ , wrapping bonds around his arms so they were pinned to his side. He snorted. “You will be pleased to know you beat my own Thor in one respect. You are clearly much more of a sanctimonious arse.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” drawled a dry voice behind him, and Loki whirled around to see his doppelgänger step…well, stagger, through a portal, followed by the Avengers.

 _His_ Avengers.

And his wife and son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, they're in the same universe at last :) The next chapter will be how they get there from MCU Loki's point of view.
> 
> The chapter title is from Perfect by Simple Plan


	10. Something Like Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers make a portal, and MCU Loki is completely bloody oblivious

Loki woke up slowly, with a heavy weight just under his chest and a rhythmic current of air brushing the skin of his collarbone. He turned his head to sink into the sight of Bucky’s tanned and stubbled skin against his own pale, hairless body, his lips slightly parted and his eyelashes resting peacefully on his cheekbones. He ghosted his fingertips over the soft skin by his hairline, for once just perfectly in the moment. Nothing existed except for the warm morning light and the texture of his skin, no failure and shame and torture in his past, no punishment and fear and flight in his future.

Bucky shifted and nuzzled into the crook of his shoulder, then stilled. All at once the bottom fell out of Loki’s soul. _He regrets_. He moved his hand away from Bucky’s face and started rebuilding the walls as Bucky sat up.

“It wasn’t a dream.” Bucky stared at him for a second and Loki stayed absolutely still. Suddenly Bucky’s face cracked into a blinding smile. “I should have known,” he said, leaning forward to kiss Loki softly on the lips, his hands on either side of his chest. “I never have dreams that good.”

Loki held his cheeks with both hands, searching every flicker, deeper and deeper into his eyes, looking for the lie. With every moment that the cold fingers ran up and down his ribs, his masks crumbled more and more. He pulled Bucky’s face down to him and kissed him hard, claiming him as his own, his only treasure, if only for this one moment. if this was to be the last good thing in his life he would crystallise it into a flawless diamond, a memory to take out in the darkness while battle raged around him, to remind him that one person had cared for him for no reason at all. Even his mother had only cared for him because Odin told her to, and Thor only pretended to care when he needed Loki’s help. His lovers had all wanted him for the improved standing he could give them in court, and as his mischief had become more malicious, they had become few and far between. But Bucky…Loki could give him nothing. Not even time. He touched him like he was something special all in himself, and Loki felt…

Loved.

***

They dressed together, swapping clothes that had been mixed up on the floor, smiling involuntarily every time their eyes met. Bucky pulled him close and kissed him before they parted ways in the empty common room, and Loki watched the corridor down which he’d disappeared for a long time before turning and walking quickly down the stairs.

Most of the household had gathered in a large laboratory in the basement. Someone had laid out pastries and hot drinks. Apart from the spies, no-one was partaking, but that was the only sign of nervousness. 

Darcy and the child approached him. It was more appropriate to say the child tried to tackle him to the floor, and he hid his half smile as he leaned forwards to pat him. “Mummy says you’re not staying.”

“You will have your own father back soon.”

“You know you can stay if you want, right?” Darcy squeezed his bicep, and he allowed her to se a small, but true, smile.

“I have things to attend to from my old life. I cannot continue to run forever.”

“Eh, the Doctor would probably disagree.” He frowned, looking at Bruce and Jane, but she waved her hand. “Not them, it’s a TV show. My Loki loves it. Never mind.”

Pepper stepped forward, clad in matte black Aesir armour with deep green accents, and clapped her hands. The room fell quiet. Neither Bucky nor Steve Rogers was present, and Loki tried to tell himself he didn’t care whose company Bucky had sought. To his surprise, it worked. All he felt was a desire to see this man safe and happy, and these people could almost certainly provide that.

“We’ve decided who’s coming through the portal and who’s staying. We’ve already spoken to everyone, I think?” There was general nodding.

“Those of you staying behind,” interjected Tony, “I’ve just got confirmation from Fury. The Eldjotnar and Alfar have offered some of their warriors. I think Muspelheim wants to send that Vigrid kid who worked with us when those tentacle things invaded a couple of years back. And of course we’ve got the Aesir.”

Thor nodded. “If Odin is still on the throne in that universe I think it best that we stay here lest we appear as a threat to Asgard.”

Pepper nodded, then took a deep breath and turned to Loki. “You ready?”

Loki walked forwards into the space cleared at one end of the lab. He felt out of place in clothes borrowed from his doppelgänger, but saved his _seidr_ for the portal formation. He turned to see the Avengers arranging themselves in two groups, and raised his eyebrows when Darcy and Benjamin moved closest to the portal. “What are you doing, mortal? You would bring a child into a universe that may still end in fire and destruction?”

Darcy smirked and shifted into her own brown and blue armour. “I’m not entirely mortal, babe. And if you think I’m going to spend any more time than necessary with my family split up across the multiverse, you’ve got another thing coming.”

“He will be returning here!”

“All it takes is one mistake. This family stays together. As much as possible, I mean.” She shrugged. “I know I can’t fight like him, not against Thanos. I’m only Avengers B team.”

Pepper nodded as she counted heads. “That’s why couples are staying together. Steve stays with Jane, Tony comes with me, and so on. That way if…something happens, we don’t break families up.”

Loki raised his eyebrows and nodded, impressed with their realism despite himself. All around him friends said their goodbyes and stood with their lovers. Natasha embraced Clint, punched him lightly on the shoulder, and stood with Skaadi in line, quietly discussing their weapons. Byleistr, Vidarr and the Aesir forced smiles on their faces as they passed Benjamin between them, sharing long looks with Darcy. Byleistr clapped Loki’s shoulders, making sure not to touch his bare skin and trigger the change.

“Fare well, little brother. Know you are loved.”

Loki rolled his eyes, but his lips twitched. “I am beginning to think you will give your love to anyone.”

Byleistr smiled. “I do indeed. But it does not diminish the love I feel for each. And anyway,” he raised his eyebrows, “I did not mean just by myself.”

Loki hesitated, then reached up and clasped Byleistr’s neck, the blue spreading down his arm. It tingled like pins and needles and Loki’s eyes widened as his _seidr_ channels _stretched_ and flowed - but Byleistr picked his son up and moved on, with a soft, oblivious smile.

“You ready, Loki?” Phil asked, and Loki shook himself and stepped forwards into the space they had marked out for the portal. Frigga, Pepper and Phil surrounded him from a few paces back, and their _seidr_ flowed, linking them and flickering towards him. All he needed to do was start using his own _seidr_ to start the search for his counterpart, and his source universe.

The first thing he did was to shift into his armour, complete with horned helm. Simple illusions were his strength and took up as little energy as possible. He cast flickering doubles until they filled the space, grinning madly at the others. Benjamin and Vidarr giggled and touched the illusions to make them disappear, spinning and shrieking to surround themselves in gold-green light.

“Ben, come back here, we need to be ready,” Darcy chided. The little boy slumped dramatically and groaned as he dragged himself to his mother’s side. Loki half-smiled and sent a flurry of butterflies over the little boy’s head so he jumped about, but stayed in the right place.

Flickers of sound were echoing, but Loki wasn’t sure if they were in his head or if everyone could hear them. The colours of their seidr combined and a white disc of light spun by Loki’s shoulder, flickering, unsteady.

_…unprepared and took the throne yourself! You even made…_

Everyone in the room turned to Thor as the furious voice burst through for a moment. He held up both hands, eyes wide. “It was not I.”

“No,” said Phil darkly. “I think we need to hurry things up.”

“We’ve got a problem, though,” said Pepper. “It seems like Loki’s on the move in that universe. I’m sorry, but we’re going to need a bit more juice from you to make a stable connection in the same frame of reference as him.” She looked at Loki, concern written all over her face, and he took a deep breath, moving into elemental magic. Green flames licked up to each arm while a wind picked up and swirled around the room, forcing the watchers to hold hair back from their faces. Water rose from under his feet, flowing upwards against gravity, and the concrete floor morphed into rough dry earth, cracks appearing along it.

He could now hear his own voice, loud even in the howl of the wind and the crackling fire.

_…perhaps you have failed to understand certain things about your own brother’s motivations…_

Loki clung to his counterpart’s voice, trying not to let his surprise distract him. He would never have expected the other, the _good_ Loki to have any wish to support him, especially with such force. He pushed more effort through the rough _seidr_ channels, hunching slightly. Around him the water met the fire and evaporated into the howling wind, then rained down on the baked earth beneath their feet.

“Holy shit,” muttered Tony.

There was a sudden whump, and Loki stumbled forward, his energies no longer being used up. A two metre disc hovered in the air to his left, and he stepped towards it, his eyes widening at the sight before him. Thor stood snarling at a healthier version of Loki, who had his arm extended towards him, strands of green _seidr_ winding around the furious thunderer and trapping his arms by his side.

“You will be pleased to know you beat my own Thor in one respect. You are clearly much more of a sanctimonious arse.”

Loki’s face broke into a grin as he glanced towards the Thor in question at the back of the lab, who was rolling his eyes and shaking his head affectionately. “I couldn’t agree more,” he grinned, and stepped back into his own universe. He struggled to get his body under control, drained as it was from all the _seidr_ he’d had to use, but for this reveal alone it was entirely worth it. The other Loki - Walker - was staring at him with his arms loose by his side, and Thor…oh it was beautiful! He looked from one to another as if he might faint like a maiden. Then the Avengers and Darcy and Benjamin stepped through the portal and Loki Walker made a broken sound and dropped to the floor, clutching his son to his chest, his face buried in the little boy’s neck. The Avengers and Darcy gathered around him, smiling and reaching out to touch him, and leaning against that wall Loki _hated_ his counterpart.

The other Avengers started pouring into the room, shouting in anger, fear and confusion, and Loki tensed, ready for battle. Natasha and Phil stepped forward with arms upraised to explain everything, gesturing to the portal.

“Are we planning to keep this thing open until everything’s sorted?” he asked.

Phil shook his head and Stark - the one from Loki’s own universe - whined like a child. “Sorry, Stark, we can’t waste the energy or take the risk. Frigga, Hela and I, and the two Lokis, will be able to re-open it when we’re done.”

“Wait, so you’re staying?” asked Stark. “Why? Also, sorry, I can’t resist it. Jarvis, I hope you’re getting photos because I am _making_ some armour like that for my Pepper.”

Pepper smirked and Tony mouthed ‘mine’ at his counterpart and did the universal ‘I’m watching you’ sign, with two fingers pointed at his own eyes, then at the other. 

“You’re clearly not much different here,” Pepper snorted. “We need to debrief you on the whole situation, and we’re here to help as well. The enemy you’re dealing with has already been destroyed in our universe by Hoenir - Phil - and I.”

“Wait, hold on, what do you mean destroyed? He’s right there,” said Romanov. “And there.” She narrowed her eyes at Loki and he resisted the urge to blow her a kiss.

Loki stopped listening as Pepper explained the situation. The conference room was becoming quite full, but he managed to keep an area of wall to himself to lean against as Pepper twisted her hands and pulled the hateful mind gem from her pocket dimension. He closed his eyes and controlled his breathing. The connection to _him_ was _broken_ , mere proximity to the stone could not re-forge it, not now he was healed and stronger. But the aura of it licked against his senses, insidious and oily. He poured steel into his spine and forced himself to breathe normally, watching as Pepper created a gnarled wooden staff with twisted branches holding the gem, and then placed it on the table for Banner and Stark to inspect.

“Thank you.”

Loki only just managed to control his flinch as the soft voice came from his shoulder. He glared at his other, still cradling his little boy who had his arms locked around his neck. “What for?”

Walker smiled, thinking about his answer carefully. “For not being the monster they all seem to think you are, I suppose.”

“Like Elsa, Daddy?” Benjamin turned his head so he could see Loki, but kept it resting on his father’s shoulder. Loki realised how exhausted the little boy must have been from worrying for his father, and his heart hurt for reasons he couldn’t quite identify.

“Just like Elsa,” said Walker, stroking the little boy’s black hair and kissing him on the head. He turned back to Loki. “Too many children’s movies,” he grinned. “In all honesty, I did not know what to think when I first saw the videos, and heard from Thor.” Loki flinched, and Walker noticed, putting his free hand on his shoulder. “I am not judging any of your actions, but would you be willing to talk to me about everything? After all this is over, of course. I would just like to know what caused our paths to be so similar and yet diverge like this.”

Loki shrugged and nodded. It wasn’t as if he expected to be around after, so it was an easy agreement.

Walker smiled and returned his hand to his son’s back, stroking and rocking the little boy who was by now fast asleep, his mouth slightly open and his muscles slack. “I will just say, I was sure there was something funny going on when you took the Tesseract. You contradicted yourself constantly, like you _wanted_ to be called on it.”

Loki threw his hands up. “Exactly! I thought I was being clear!”

Walker smiled. “I don’t think others put as much care in their words as we do.”

“I had plans, hints to leave for Thor as well. Glaring inaccuracies he would have been forced to examine.”

“Loki,” laughed Walker. “Have you _met_ Thor? Even my _own_ brother does not see beyond what is in front of his face. I had my Aesir illusion removed and was tied up in the sun for days before he started to question Odin’s wisdom.”

Loki’s jaw dropped, but he was distracted from further comment by Pepper moving towards the portal. “Everyone ready to close this up?”

“Hold on!” yelled a voice from the other side, and _Bucky_ leaped through, a bag slung on his back. He leaned back in to embrace Steve and Jane, then turned to Pepper. “Did I miss anything?”

“ _Bucky?_ ” The captain on Loki’s own side of the portal looked as though he might collapse in tears, and Bucky gave him a fond grin. 

“Hey, other Steve.”

“What are you _doing_ , Barnes?” snapped Loki. “We are supposed to be keeping families together, and you and Steve are nothing if not family.” His heart was racing, and he told himself it was anger, not fear. He was supposed to be _safe._

Bucky looked at him, eyes soft. “I’m exactly where I need to be,” he said. And what the _hell_ did that mean? Loki looked between Rogers on the other side of the table, still in shock at seeing his old friend and lover alive, and Steve on the other side of the portal, his eyes still suspiciously red but with Jane tucked under his arm, and it became clear to him.

The relief was almost stronger than the hurt. Loki knew he mustn't be selfish - he was not going to survive much longer, and knowing that Bucky would be happy _as well_ as safe was more sweet than bitter. It was not as if he could make anyone happy in the long run, and seeing Bucky just that little more helped him to strengthen his resolve.

“Anyone else want to change our plans at the last minute?” asked Pepper, looking far less irritated than she sounded. “No? OK, let’s get this portal closed up and formulate a plan of action.” She and Phil stepped forwards, and Frigga on her own side, and the portal started to shrink to nothing.

“Right, next order of business,” said Phil, rubbing his hands.

“Hold on,” Stark interrupted. “I know I’ve already asked Loki, but how come you and Pepper can do magic, but Agent and Pepper from _our_ universe can’t?”

“I may be able to help with that.”

Loki’s heart stuttered as the deep voice powered across the room. As one, the people from two universes turned to see the Allfather and a young spirit woman at the head of the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think guys? I'm not 100% sure on the timelines here, I think it could do with some re-jigging, but my muse is in hiding on this and I wanted to upload it or I never would. Sorry...
> 
> The title is from Emeli Sande's Breathing Under Water. If my MCU Loki had more time to actually listen to music, this is the one song that would resonate with him :)
> 
> Exposition chapter coming up next! Erk!


	11. You had my Heart and Soul in your Hand and you Played it to the Beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Odin is not as helpful as he thinks he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From VC Loki's/Walker's POV. Trouble is, Walker thinks of himself as Loki, so his chapters remain difficult to write! Hopefully it's not too jarring? He starts calling his counterpart Angry Loki after a while, but I wanted it to be organic and natural so it takes a few goes. What do you guys think?

Fury threw his hands up. “Would anyone else like to make a dramatic entrance? Can we just get them all over with? What damn universe are you two from, then?”

Odin stared at the Director, completely implacable. “I am Odin Allfather, King of Asgard and ruler of the Nine Realms. In _your universe.”_

The teenage girl behind him waved. “Hi, I’m Hela, Goddess of the Dead.” She sat down at the head of the table and swung one leg over the armrest. “Don’t mind Gramps, he’s always like this.”

“Must be the eyepatch,” said his Tony. Loki rubbed his head. There were way too many duplicates. “But why do you look completely different to our Goddess of the Dead? And why do their Pepper and Phil not have powers, like the other Tony just said?”

“Hey,” yelled the Tony in question. “I’m not the ‘other’ anything.”

Bucky snorted. “I’m just gonna call all you lot,” he gestured at the other Avengers, “by surnames, and us by first names.”

“That’s actually a good idea,” said Loki, rocking Benjamin. “They all seem to call each other by their last names anyway. They don’t know each other very well.”

“You’re the exception, Walker,” he grinned.

“I’m always the exception. But why?”

“Cuz Loki here has no last name.”

“He is an Odinson,” rumbled Odin, and Loki rolled his eyes while his angry counterpart snarled.

“I am _not_ your son. And I think patricide has proven I will not accept Laufeyson either.”

Bucky stood by the furious man and rubbed his back. Loki raised an eyebrow as his double relaxed and straightened up, and leaned ever so slightly into the contact. Loki hid a grin. He hadn’t expected the other Loki to make such a close bond with anyone, but Bucky made sense, if his speculation on the other Loki’s physical and mental state when he first arrived on Earth was correct.

Fury rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Right, let’s get story time over and done with so we can all get on with battle plans. Sit down where you can, or get some chairs, I don’t give a rat’s ass.”

Loki flicked his fingers and pulled molecules from the air, coalescing them into enough chairs for everyone. 

“Ooh, handy,” grinned Stark, grabbing one of them and bouncing up and down on the seat.

Loki sat down next to Darcy, linking their hands, and narrowed his eyes at the spirit Hela. She waggled her fingers at him. “Hey, pops,” she said, then turned to the other Loki. “Or are _you_ my daddy?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” growled Angry Loki, who refused to sit.

“Suddenly everything clicked into place for Loki. The lack of Hoenir, Jormungandir and Fenrir in this universe. The fact that this Odin seemed to have so much more control over himself and his sanity than his own adopted father. “The spell,” he said, staring at Odin. “The spell to end Ragnarok, you did something different, didn’t you? What was it?”

“I got it right,” said Odin dryly. “Or at least,” he amended, looking at Angry Loki, “I had it right until now. But you are treading a path that may lead once again to the destruction of the Nine Realms, and I find myself forced to take steps to ensure that does not happen.”

“So you swapped your disappointing stolen relic for a different one?” sneered Angry Loki.

Odin sighed. “I knew of no-one who could have turned you from your bitter course but those who had already supported you in a different universe. My mistakes have already been made here, you would not have trusted your family again.”

“So you palm your mistakes off to someone else instead of coming down here and telling us what was going on before we lose eighty agents to an earthquake your fucked up kid caused?” growled Fury.

“And you throw Walker in the line of fire instead and leave him to a bunch of angry humans rather than wasting your grand entrance?” Bucky snorted.

“I need not explain myself to you mortals,” sniffed Odin. “I sent Thor to support you, and took the time to gather more dark energy before Hela and I could transport ourselves.”

“You sent _Thor_ to deal with a complex diplomatic situation?” Angry Loki barked out a harsh laugh.

“Did you actually _tell_ Thor that I was not your Loki before you sent him? Because he seemed quite unaware of the fact when he threw me out of a moving jet before we had exchanged a single word,” added Loki.

Odin glared at Thor. “Of course I did! I told him his brother was not himself, and he should return with him to Asgard when the Tesseract had been retrieved.”

Thor looked horrified, and almost every single person present groaned or face palmed. “You are suck a fucking idiot in every universe, Odin,” said Darcy, rolling her eyes.

Angry Loki stared at her, open mouthed. Loki wondered if he wanted to kiss her too. Thor was on his feet, his hand already going for Mjonir in defence of his father’s honour, so Loki sent out strands of _seidr_ again and wrapped him in them like a cocoon, pulling him back to the chair.

Spirit Hela threw back her head and laughed. “Oh, I like them, Grampy,” she grinned. “I really like them.” She stood and began marching up and down, stomping her Bovver boots. “The difference between this universe and the other is that Odin had the Time gem here.” She ignored the various exclamations from those who knew what she meant. “In the other universe, when he cast the spell to control the souls’ rebirth, and to de-age Loki, and control everyone’s memories, he had only his own, not inconsiderable, _seidr_ to work with, and it wasn’t enough. He left Midgard alone entirely, thinking he could exclude it by banning any travel there. Thus Hela, Hoenir and Sigyn, who’d all ben on Midgard at the time, escaped the spell. Sigyn was so injured that she died soon after,” she said, nodding at Darcy.

“Yep,” said Darcy, with a deep breath and the fake smile she always used when thinking about previous incarnations. “I decided to live a mortal life, again and again, and forget Loki.” She squeezed his fingers. “But he found me in the end.”

Hela nodded and continued. “Hoenir and Hela survived and thrived, taking on different names and faces over the thousand years. Here, Sigyn and Hoenir wait in the land of the dead along with my brothers, my mother, and pretty much every person who’s ever been important in Loki’s life, carefully trapped by Odin’s clever spell. I can only move around and be seen because I am the Goddess of the Dead, and I have the Soul stone. But for many of you mortals, there was a gap. Stark, you needed Pepper Potts, so a mortal was born at the right time. Coulson is needed here for Barton and Fury and Romanov, so the universe provides and a niche is filled. And the looks remain the same because the universe is lazy and if there’s already a space, a mould, why not fill it exactly?”

“But because you’re trapped without a body, you haven’t been able to destroy Thanos?” asked Pepper.

“Exactly,” Hela replied, then turned to Odin. “You see, Grandfather dearest, what I could achieve with corporeal form?”

“It matters not,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “We will destroy him now. Between us, we have Mind, Space, Time and two Soul gems, while Thanos has but Power, is that not correct, Loki?”

They all turned to an empty space. Bucky even did a little double take, he’d been sitting so close.

“Aww, shit,” said Darcy. “He’s going to do a Loki, isn’t he?”

“A what?” snapped Thor, still struggling against his bonds.

“That thing where he runs off and tries to solve the problem by sacrificing himself.”

“I do not do that,” said Loki, whipping his head round to her.

“Yes, you do,” all his Avengers replied. 

The other Avengers looked furious. “Bullshit,” growled Fury. “The little bastard’s gone back to his old boss, and your chit-chat’s been the perfect distraction.”

Everyone was on their feet, shouting over each other. Bucky stood next to Loki, fuming, his metal hand clenching gouges into the table, but he wasn’t even trying to be heard above the cacophony.

“Enough!” roared Odin, the sound reverberating around their heads like a bell. “Loki would have no interest in assisting Thanos, not after the years he has suffered there.”

Thor turned to his father, eyes wide. “You saw him? Why did you not tell me?”

“And what would you have done, Thor? What could you possibly have done?”

“I would have gone to rescue him!”

“How, exactly?”

Thor turned back, muttering under his breath about finding a way, but Odin ignored him and turned back to Fury. “Loki may have left under cover of our conversation, but he will not stand against us in battle.”

“Contrary to popular Aesir opinion, I am not actually a coward,” grumbled Loki. 

“But he’s not you,” Coulson ventured.

“Barring a couple of examples, we’re all pretty similar to our counterparts here,” Tony said. “I know your Loki’s been through a hell of a lot these past five years, but fundamentally I think they’re probably the same person. Neither Loki would put all of us in danger.”

At that moment a siren wailed through the helicarrier. The SHIELD agents leaped to their feet, and Fury held his hand up to his ear to listen to reports. “You sure about that, Miss? Only someone’s just stolen the Tesseract, and one of the nuclear warheads.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger...sorryyyyyy!
> 
> The title is from Adele's Rolling in the Deep.


	12. Help me Believe, my Son, That I Don't Need Anyone Any More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanos

Loki stepped back into the conference room, shrouded in invisibility to check it was empty. He fell to his knees, retching from the effect of the twisted, stinking space around Yggdrasil, and the effort of using so much _seidr_. As he had hoped, the others had been so distracted with the alarms blaring, the Mind gem in its new staff still lay on the table. He knew it could be a trap. He just had to hope he was fast enough to snatch it and jump on the world tree before Barton shot him in the eye.

“I knew you’d take this one last.”

Loki froze, then rolled his eyes, dropping the invisibility. Walker appeared as well, sitting on the table by the mind gem, his feet swinging.

“You know this is for the best, Walker.”

“Why?” he asked, jumping down and picking up the staff. He twirled it in his hand, and Loki watched the gem with a mixture of need and loathing. “Because you think none would mourn your absence?”

“I care not for your sentiment,” Loki sneered. “But the rest of you are so bonded to each other I do not think I could stand the whining if any of you were harmed.”

Walker smiled. “And how do you think the rest of us will cope with Bucky’s…whining, as you call it?”

He snorted. “You put too much stock in gestures of kindness.”

“Be that as it may, we cannot allow you to do this by yourself. Not,” he held up a stilling finger, “because of any sentiment, but because we cannot afford to waste two gems and the element of surprise on a doomed attempt. Your _seidr_ is not strong enough even with the infinity stones.”

“That’s why I plan to use the warhead. I can get closer than any of you, and you know it. Thanos will trust me if I return to him with his prize.”

“And if you cannot keep it from him, if it is not enough, not only the Avengers but the whole universe is in peril.”

Loki sagged. He wanted to fight, and half-formed arguments rose in his mind, but he was so _tired_. Tired of fighting, tired of plotting, tired of falling short. “What would you have me do? Sit back while everyone else fights the battle I have brought to their doorstep? We cannot leave it until I am healed, if I ever am. The Tesseract is not the only infinity stone in Thanos’ thoughts, and there is no guarantee he cannot send another through the same way I have come.”

Walker smiled and rested one hand on his shoulder. He seemed taller. Loki gathered his energy to straighten up, to look at his counterpart in the eye. “Fight _with_ us,” he said. “You are not alone any more. We have a team, we have shield brothers now.”

“Shield brothers,” Loki snorted. “You sound like Thor. Why should _your_ shield brothers trust me any more than Sif and the Warriors Three?”

“Because,” said Walker serenely, “they trust me, and I trust you.” His eyes twinkled with mischief. “Besides, I have a plan. Hoenir’s already explaining it to the others.” He pulled Loki close and planted a kiss on his forehead. “Come along, Loki. Let’s find our team.”

***

They walked to the observation deck, Walker’s arm slung around Loki's neck. He released him just long enough to embrace Darcy and Benjamin, leaving Loki facing half the crowd with furious, distrustful eyes. This was never going to work. Half of these people had no reason to trust Walker, let alone him.

Walker had explained his special brand of insanity on the way to the larger room, still carrying the stinking Mind gem with no thought as to its wrongness. Those with _seidr_ were to take possession of one gem each. Five of the strongest wielders from two universes would gather around Loki, cloaking their presence, while Walker helped to trace the connection between Loki and Thanos, or the Other, back to its source. Repair the link, while hopefully still leaving Loki with his autonomy intact. And when Thanos was close, Phil would use the Space gem to trace the link, transporting them all to battle, and almost certain doom. Walker may laugh at his pessimism, but Loki saw his own grim desperation mirrored back to him, masked in bravado. They were all coming to their deaths, and it was Loki bringing them there, killing his not-family from two worlds.

Then Bucky came forward and linked their fingers together, and nothing else mattered. He had left them, taken the Tesseract and a weapon of mass destruction. He appeared to have betrayed them all, and yet Bucky still smiled at him and wanted to support him. The feeling washed his veins clean so he could breathe again. Like Byleistr’s touch had opened his _seidr_ channels.

A flame, doused in fatigue, sputtered to life. This is what Loki was made for. Plans born in the chaos of desperation, in the knife edge between despair and euphoria. He watched the others gather to him, and the flailing tendrils of unfocused ideas began to coalesce.

“Is everyone ready?” asked Phil, to quiet affirmatives. “Thank you for agreeing to help, Loki. I know how hard this must be for you.” They both ignored Barton’s snort. “Can I have the Tesseract, please?”

Loki twisted his hands in opposite directions and handed over the Space gem he'd stolen. Walker came forward with the Mind gem staff, standing right in front of Loki as Phil, Hela, Pepper and Odin moved around him. Loki’s mind flashed with calculation and he turned in a circle, smiling arrogantly, a showman, so the rest naturally formed a ring around him. 

“Are you sure about this?” asked Walker softly. “I can masquerade as you for the few minutes it’ll take to form the connection.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “No you cannot. You are far too nice.” He checked the alignment of the others, then indulged in one last glance at Bucky, and grasped the Mind gem on Walker’s staff.

The connection to the Other opened quickly, and Loki was almost floored with the force of fury that met him. He opened his eyes and struggled to his feet, weak even in his own mind.

“You have been gone too long, little godling,” the Other sneered, creeping closer. Loki looked down his nose at his torturer and reminded himself that he had never been broken by such a base creature, whether they thought he had or not. 

“I am here now, and I have the portal ready. What have you been doing but twirling your excessive thumbs?”

The Other snarled, but it turned into a grin that chilled his bones. “The Master awaits. He would have…words with you.”

“That will not be necessary. We are ready now.”

“You will have to wait.”

“To wait is to lose our advantage.” Loki fought to keep the tint of desperation pitched just right. 

“You forget your place, little godling,” the Other snickered, and shoved him to the stairs.

Loki breathed deeply as he stepped up the bone steps, curving to the foot of the Mad Titan’s throne. So close. He risked reaching out with his other senses, feeling the two Soul stones, Space, and Time in the perfect place. Just one more move to make. 

He stopped at Thanos’ feet, shuddering at the vicious grin on the purple face. As Thanos reached down for Loki’s neck, ready to pour the energy of the power gem through him as he had done so many times, Loki opened his eyes in the helicarrier and _pushed_ Walker back into the space between Odin and Hela. 

_Did you truly believe I would allow the only good part of myself in the multiverse to come in contact with him?_

Walker’s eyes were wide and fixed on his as Loki pulled the casket out of his pocket dimension. He gasped as the blue flooded his body, opening scarred _seidr_ channels. He loosed five green tendrils from his chest and the infinity stones were lifted out of their bearer’s hands in a perfect pentacle. 

Loki closed his eyes again, leaving the uproar behind, and smiled at Thanos. 

As the power gem reached into him, he pulled on the five others and poured everything, every ounce of energy and _seidr_ and will along the current. He saw the moment doubt hit, as the twining rope of magic reached Thanos’ chest. He relished the flare of panic and disbelief as the energy flared through his body, reaching every corner, every cell, until he glowed. And just when the Titan thought he could take it all and win, Loki held the thought of Bucky in his heart and poured his entire freezing self into Thanos, shattering him into snowflakes and ice dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...um...does this make sense to you guys? I'm not sure if I verbalised it OK...please let me know!
> 
> The title is from Lost by Charlie Simpson. Thank you for reading! There's at least one more chapter to go but I might spread it into 3 much shorter ones (uploaded in quick succession) so I can put in something short from Odin's POV, what do you think?


	13. Stutter Shook and Uptight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes. And wakes. And wakes.

Certain frequencies of sound, certain words and inflections, echoed loud around his head. Everything else was muted and distant, as befitting a shattered being.

But there was too much pain, too many recognisable sensations, for him to be dead. Panic flooded through him .What if he had failed? His calculations were imperfect, done too quickly, the Casket and his Jotun form not enough to clear his _seidr_ channels, his will not powerful enough—

“Loki! Loki, you’re OK, Doll, you’re safe. It’s fine, it’s over.”

Bucky was safe. That was all that mattered. Loki let himself slip back into oblivion.

***

When he was finally able to open his eyes, it was dark and quiet, and there was a warm weight pressed a against his left side. He turned his head, and splinters fired through his brain, but it was worth it to have Bucky’s hair pressed against his nose.

He lay still for long, precious moments, breathing in the smell of Bucky’s warm skin and almond shampoo. He didn’t want to move again, ever, but a rustling from behind him made him startle and turn, and that, of course, set of a chain reaction of explosions down his spine.

When he was able to focus through the stars in his vision, he saw Walker asleep in an armchair, his long black hair escaping from its braid and tangled around his face. 

“You look like shit,” said a perky voice, and the bed settle slightly as Hela sat by Loki’s hip.

“I had no intention of surviving,” he croaked.

Hela snorted loudly and lit a cigarette. “You throw yourself on the wire in front of two Death Goddesses, the God of Magic, and your own self, and you expect to be granted a simple death?” She blew smoke out of her nostrils and it disappeared with the faintest smell of freshly dug earth. “But the real obstacle on the road to self-sacrifice was that stubborn bastard there.” She gestured with her chin and Loki followed her gaze to the sleeping man beside him. “We were all held back when the gems channeled through you and the casket. I felt the moment when Thanos passed into my realm, and we all saw that you were too tied to the energies to survive. We could…we could see your soul being torn from your body.” She shuddered, then looked at Bucky again. “He pushed his way past us and grabbed you. I swear on Yggdrasil, Loki, that crazy shit shoved your soul back in your body. It was the freakiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, I don’t know if he completed some weird circuit with that metal arm of his, but he wasn’t having any of that brave sacrificial bullshit.”

Loki stared down at Bucky, who nuzzled his shoulder and smiled in his sleep. His impossible mortal. He ran his hand through Bucky’s hair. “I do not deserve him,” he whispered. 

“We don’t get what we deserve, Daddy dearest,” she snarked. “We get what we get. It’s up to us to make the most of it.” She finished the cigarette and the end turned into an earwig and scuttled off. She waggled her fingers at him as she walked out the door, and he sank into a dreamworld not much different from the waking.

***

When he woke again it was to the Allfather looming over him, observing him from the usual angle straight down his nose. Loki congratulated himself on not flinching. Instead he looked down at the space beside him. Had he dreamed Bucky’s solid presence? Hela’s tale of rescue?

“They prepare for a return to their own universe,” Odin said, and Loki turned back too quickly and had to clench his jaw against the wave of nausea and vertigo. “You have become reckless with your own life, Loki. I would expect such foolishness from Thor, not from you.”

He squinted one eye open at a time until the world stopped throbbing. “Your point, Allfather?”

Odin huffed. “When we return to Asgard, you will spend some time with healers of both mind and body. Eir is—“

“I am not returning to Asgard.”

“What?”

In all his centuries as the exasperating trickster prince, Loki had never been able to shock his father - his king - into slack-jawed idiocy before. He found it quite gratifying. “I will not return. Consider it my reward for ridding the universe of Thanos. I imagine the Jotnar will need greater reparations, and I shall pay them, but I shall never return to Asgard.”

“But _why_ , Loki? If this is about your failed reign, be assured that only a handful of people are aware of the exact circumstances of the Bifrost destruction, and none save Heimdall and your family know of your true identity.”

“Odin, was my deliberate release of Gungnir not enough evidence that I cannot live on Asgard?”

“But the mistakes that led up to that point have all been rectified. A new Bifrost is under construction and when it is complete we shall be able to send aid to Jotunheim, rebuild what damage was caused.”

Loki struggled to push himself into sitting position, but even his grief and rage were not strong enough to force the muscles to co-operate and he had to slump back on his pillows and glare at the man he called father, the man whose approval had meant _everything_. “I tried to commit suicide. I regret most days that it was yet another endeavour at which I failed. Do you truly think three days were enough to cause me to choose what I thought was certain death over yet another ‘No Loki’?”

“Always you twist my words! How can I know what to say to you when you hear only the worst, only what you want?”

“Perhaps if you would but listen to what I have to say, you would be able to deduce what it is I have always needed to hear.”

“And what,” he rolled his eyes, “is that?”

Loki sagged into the pillows. “That you are proud of me? That I am more than a waste of your time and effort. That…that you loved me.”

“Oh, Loki,” sighed Odin. “I have told you all these things many times. You just fail to hear it.”

Loki closed his heart back up and stared up at the featureless ceiling, waiting for the prickling behind his eyes to subside. “I am not going back to Asgard.”

“Then you are truly not my son.” Odin stood and left the room in a flutter of gold and red. Loki pretended there wasn’t a wet trail from the corner of his closed eyes to his hairline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title's from Colourblind by Counting Crows, which I've always found very surreal and trippy. Next chapter is going to be Odin's POV of the conversation with Loki, because they both think they're so obvious with their feelings and they just bloody AREN'T...also Odin thinks he's being a good father and he blatantly isn't, and I wanted to explore that for complicated-relationships-with-parents reasons, but because these last 3 chapters are all very short, I'll upload again in 2 days rather than 4 ^_^


	14. Find a Way to Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Odin's POV on the last conversation with Loki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter not because I think Odin had any GOOD reasons for what he did. But I wanted to explore the way that people do stupid, cruel things and still consider themselves to be in the right. Odin does love Loki in a way, but it's not unconditional love. He thinks he's doing the right thing, and he thinks he's being a good father. But the fact is, he's not. He's broken his son, and the only consolation is that Loki now has people willing to stand by him (Loki doesn't know that, of course, because he still feels alone, but he'll find out soon enough). Basically, I'm not in any way justifying Odin's actions. I think he's a narcissistic arsehole and I would love to give him a slap BUT I don't think he's hurting Loki on purpose. Hence this short chapter!

Odin tried not to shudder as he stepped into the still, darkened room. He could barely bring himself to look at the figure of his son, so insubstantial on the narrow bed. How could he face him, when he had allowed him that stupid, fearless sacrifice? How could he ask forgiveness? How could he forgive Loki?

Loki’s eyes were sunk into his face, thin, bruised skin stretched over sharp cheekbones. He could not discern how much of his emaciated form was due to the insane battle with Thanos, and how much due to the last five years of the Titan’s hospitality. But it was over now. He was safe. No longer would Odin see his son from Hlidskjalf, being torn to shreds while he pretended to pay attention to yet another council meeting. 

Loki stirred and opened his eyes, frowning at Odin before looking around. Odin remained still. Any movement, any touch, would doubtless be painful.

“They prepare for a return to their own universe,” he said. Loki turned his head back to him, and then visibly flinched with the pain. Odin rolled his eyes at his son’s lack of control. “You have become reckless with your own life, Loki. I would expect such foolishness from Thor, not from you.”

“Your point, Allfather?”

Odin huffed. “When we return to Asgard, you will spend some time with healers of both mind and body. Eir is—“

“I am not returning to Asgard.”

“What?” Odin stared at Loki, anger and fear and arguments about Loki’s ability to make any sort of decision in such a state warring for supremacy.

“I will not return,” Loki snarled. “Consider it my reward for ridding the universe of Thanos. I imagine the Jotnar will need greater reparations, and I shall pay them, but I shall never return to Asgard.”

“But _why_ , Loki? If this is about your failed reign, be assured that only a handful of people are aware of the exact circumstances of the Bifrost destruction, and none save Heimdall and your family know of your true identity.”

“Odin, was my deliberate release of Gungnir not enough evidence that I cannot live on Asgard?”

Odin flinched at the use of his name, rather than Father. “But the mistakes that led up to that point have all been rectified. A new Bifrost is under construction and when it is complete we shall be able to send aid to Jotunheim, rebuild what damage was caused.” He did not understand why the boy was being so stubborn. Surely he could see that Asgard would be glad to have him back, to have things back the way they were?

Loki struggled to push himself into sitting position, and glared when he could not. “I tried to commit suicide. I regret most days that it was yet another endeavour at which I failed. Do you truly think just three days were enough to cause me to choose what I thought was certain death over yet another ‘No Loki’?”

Anger curled in Odin’s gut. “Always you twist my words! How can I know what to say to you when you hear only the worst, only what you want?” Why did Loki fail to see what was right in front of him? He was being wilfully rude, now, refusing to return when it was so obvious that this is what was best for everyone involved! Frigga would have her beloved younger son to spoil and pet and practice _seidr_ with, Thor would have his foil, the brains to his brawn, his adviser, and Odin would be able to keep Loki stable, keep him calm, and continue to avoid Ragnarok.

“Perhaps if you would but listen to what I have to say, you would be able to deduce what it is I have always needed to hear.”

“And what is that?” If the boy would just _tell_ him what he wanted, rather than expecting everyone to guess all the time, this whole situation would be so much easier.

Loki sagged into the pillows. “That you are proud of me? That I am more than a waste of your time and effort. That…that you loved me.”

“Oh, Loki,” sighed Odin. “I have told you all these things many times. You just fail to hear it.”

But all his efforts were in vain. Loki had closed his heart to his family. “I am not going back to Asgard.”

“Then you are truly not my son.” Odin stood, feeling every year of the millennia he had battled. Every success paled into insignificance against this one failure, for without Loki close by for monitoring, who knew how he may fall to evil and bring Ragnarok upon them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, he's still a dick.
> 
> The title is from Superman by Five for Fighting - I associate this and Colourblind really closely because I had them one after the other on my favourite mixed tape in 6th form, so apart from the fact that I found the lyrics appropriate, I liked that these two songs could describe two concurrent chapters!
> 
> Final chapter will be up in 2 days - so close! Thank you all for sticking with it!


	15. Should This Be the Last Thing I See, I Want you to Know it's Enough for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two universes say goodbye

They made him use a wheelchair to bid farewell to those returning to the other universe. He was furious and humiliated, but equally unable to hold himself up on his elbows, let alone walk to the living room of Stark tower. He was just relieved that Odin and Thor had returned the day before with the Tesseract.

Benjamin rode on the arm rest of the chair and chattered about the fortress he had constructed from plastic bricks. “Will you come and visit? You can help me design a helipad for the roof and we can have a sleepover!”

“I’m afraid not, Benjamin. The risks of opening too many portals between universes are not understood, and we would not want to create a black hole for the sake of a social call.”

Benjamin nodded seriously. “When I’m a _seidmadr_ like Daddy I’m going to study wormholes with Auntie Jane and we’ll invent a stable gateway so you can come over whenever you like.”

“I look forward to that.” Loki smiled and let the little boy crush him in a painful bear hug, returning the embrace with weak arms.

Darcy lifted Benjamin down and kissed Loki’s cheek. “Thank you,” she said. “I know you did this to protect them.”

Loki’s eyes flickered to Walker, swinging his little boy in the air. “He is…a better version of me than I had ever hoped to be. It was worth it.”

“ _You’re_ a lot better version of you than you’ll ever know, Loki,” she said, her big blue eyes trying to press this understanding into him with the force of her sincerity.”

“Perhaps,” he replied.

Walker joined them as Darcy straightened up. “We never did have that talk,” he said. “You only agreed to it because you had some plan like this in mind, didn't you?”

“How do you know me so well?”

Walker leaned on his armrests until their foreheads pressed together. “You are amazing, Loki. And even more batshit insane than I am. Please, take care of yourself. For Bucky’s sake, if not your own?”

“He is staying, then?”

Walker sat back on his haunches and they watched Bucky talking to Rogers. Loki supposed he could stay somewhat safe for Bucky, even as a friend. Perhaps Rogers was not as painfully angelic as he looked and they would not shun his company entirely.

“Of course he’s staying. I would have thought that was obvious,” said Walker. Then he looked at Loki with narrowed eyes, as if remembering. “Although perhaps it is not so clear to you. If it helps,” he said, leaning forward as if imparting a great secret, “Rogers in this universe is not attracted to men at all, and was quite taken aback when I mentioned Steve and Bucky in my universe had been lovers.”

He kissed Loki on the cheek and spun away, singing about a woman demanding to dance before Loki could ask if Bucky was aware of that fact.

The Avengers approached him one by one, thanking him, kissing his cheek, or hugging him carefully. They treated him like a fragile treasure, something awesome, and he did not know how to react. At last they stood against the far wall, Walker, Phil and Pepper casting their _seidr_ and using little Benjamin’s fireballs and Darcy’s illusion spells as the focus. With Frigga’s help guiding the portal open on the other side, there was soon a glimmering white doorway hanging in open air. Stark and Banner bustled around instruments, speaking in frantic half sentences, and people on both sides cheered as the portal stabilised. 

When everyone had passed through, waving and hugging friends and family, Bucky stepped forwards. He and Steve embraced at the gateway between universes. Loki saw Steve glance at him once or twice, eyes wide. When Bucky stepped back, Steve was weeping openly, but smiled at Bucky, then at Loki. Loki gave an uncertain half smile back and raised his hand, and the portal disappeared.

There was silence for a beat. Then Stark began leaping around the instruments and whooping, jumping into Banner’s arms in glee. The others laughed, then dispersed.   
Bucky turned to Loki. Loki didn’t know what to say. He had left it too late to tell him about Rogers’ lack of interest. Would Bucky think it was deliberate? Would he think Loki had manipulated the situation to keep him here? He wanted to explain everything, and he wanted to keep quiet in case he screwed yet another thing up.

“How’re ya feeling?”

He nodded. He was blinking too much, trying to put his thoughts back in order, trying to formulate an appropriate response.

Bucky smiled and sat on a chair, his hand draped over Loki’s arm rest so it brushed his wrist. “You don’t…you don’t mind that I stayed, right?”

Loki’s eyes widened. “No, of course not, I—“

“Because it’s OK if you don’t want to…y’know, hang around with me any more. I was planning to look into Hydra in this universe, see if there’s a me in the same situation who needs busting out of there.”

“Oh. Oh, I see, of course.”

“I didn’t get much chance to tear into those guys. Nat and Steve did most of it.”

“I understand entirely.”

Bucky’s finger stroked the skin on the inside of his wrist, and goosebumps ran up his arm. Loki hated his body. 

“I was wondering if, like, when you’re well again, you might want to maybe…uh, help, I guess—but you probably want a quiet life now after everything—“

“You would want my help?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” groaned Stark. Loki and Bucky both startled. They’d forgotten he was still there. He brandished a spanner at Bucky. “Will you just kiss him already?”

Bucky looked at Loki, and for the first time he saw stirrings of fear in the deep blue eyes. “May I? Kiss you, I mean?”

“Oh, Norns, yes.”

Bucky put his knees on the seat of the wheelchair on either side of Loki’s thighs, not putting any weight on him, and cupped his face gently as he kissed him. Loki tilted his face up and drowned in the feather softness of his lips, the strength of the arms wrapping around him and cradling his battered body. He slipped his arms around Bucky’s waist and pulled his body close, and for the first time in many long years, he was glad to have survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all sticking with this story, I really appreciate everyone's lovely, kind comments! I kinda want to write about Loki and Bucky's life in MCU, finding this world's Bucky Barnes and looking after him, but I don't really have a plot worked out lol!
> 
> Walker is singing Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon - it's the ringtone he has for Darcy ;)
> 
> The title is from Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran. I hope you liked it ^_^


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